It only takes a second

Its funny how things can be going so great and one second later everything is in shambles. This morning after taking Candace to school, the boys and I went to the doctor for Bubba. We were goofing around, singing along with the radio and all of a sudden Carter is screaming. Why? Because Bubba squeezed his orange into his little brothers EYE. Holy moly I was mad in less than a second. And then after yelling at him for a minute I just cried and cried and cried. And my thoughts led me to this: I really hate autism sometimes. On his quirky days its not so bad, even when he is yelling and screaming and hitting himself I don't like it and it makes me sad. But on the days he is just a completely huge terd it makes me so mad. A little bit of my anger is at him, but most of it is at autism and myself. And then I start feeling guilty. Its not his fault. Deep down I know its also not mine but...

What if I had caught it sooner?
What if I realized how far behind he really was?
What if he hadn't fallen off the bed 4 times as a baby/toddler?
What if I had done MORE?
And then, what if this is my fault?

This last week Carter has been getting into everything and his vocabulary is just exploding. He is talking and repeating everything. Yes, its a little jumbled because he is two, but Camden didn't do that. I've always called Camden my sweet boy. When he was little I would hold him and put his arms around me, so that he would be hugging me. My mom made fun of that, but I thought it was great. And now looking back, also smart. He and I have a saying we do before bed or if I am leaving him somewhere-  Me-"I love you", Bubs-  "love you", Me- "Allways", Bubs- "Allways",  both of us- "and", Bubs- "FOREVVVVEEEERRRR", me- "yesss."  I am also glad that I taught him this and ingrained it into his brain. Because if I hadn't, I'm sure he would still tell me he loved me, but it may not be like this. I don't have any cute sayings with my other two children. I think its very funny the way life works. When we found out that we were having a boy I was so so sad. I had a 5 year old girl, I didn't know what to do with a boy. And then I heard a song that made me okay with having a boy. "He's my son" by Mark Schultz. It really gave me a peace,I was okay with having a boy and I knew I could do it. I told my mom and she was shocked I liked the song because it was so sad and the singer wrote it about his friends son who had leukemia. And she's right, it is sad, but for some strange reason I was just comforted by it. I think now, its quite perfect and maybe God was just getting me ready for my sweet little boy that I love more than life. Lyrics...



I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there

CHORUS
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son

I'm so glad to be Bubba's mommy. Even when he is driving me crazy. I can handle autism, it sure ain't gonna handle me!! Ahh, I feel so much better now. Especially since both of my boys are snuggled up next to me watching a movie :)