Day 14- Write a letter to a hero that has let you down.

Oh wow. Uuuuuummm.... Well, I'm not so sure about hero but someone I have looked up to and wanted approval from for my whole life would be my mom. And I'm so glad she doesn't read this. Here goes...

Mom- I am not sure when we became frenemies, if it was when I was being a turd teenager or before that but I hate our relationship. Its sucky. I've always wanted you to love me for me, despite all my flaws. I know I am not perfect, I don't need it pointed out repeatedly, year after year. Its hurtful and makes me resent you when things get brought up over and over.
Some of my mistakes are funny yes, but to keep being reminded of what a rotten kid I was and how mean I was to Brady isn't really helping anything. Or do you think it is? Trust me, I feel HORRIBLE about the scar on his face. I have cried quite a few times about that and I have apologized to Brady. He's forgiven me, when will you?  I am not a screw up anymore, I'd like to not be treated as one anymore. I know you think I was such a bad kid but I really wasn't. Yes, I was naive and yes I did get pregnant at 18. But that wasn't on purpose. I got caught on my first or second time! And, most importantly, you love Candace, so do we really need to rehash that one?

I think that if you are honest with yourself, you aren't completely happy with your life. And I am easy to bring down. I think that's why you treat me the way you do. I also truly believe you don't realize how you treat me. You can't, or you wouldn't do it. It baffles me that as a counselor you do some of the things you do and say the things you say. I know that Daddy isn't perfect, BELIEVE ME. And I don't defend him as if its my job, I defend him when I feel its necessary. The latest defense being that my father is not autistic. I cannot even believe that you try to justify your two's relationship issues with deciding he has autism or aspergers. Now, lets not get mixed up here- there is nothing wrong with someone having autism, its just that my dad isn't someone who has it. Yes, he has a routine. He's a grown man with a job and household duties who also likes to golf and watch baseball. He's a simple man. No, he's not a social butterfly. But he has friends, he is friendly with strangers at stores and restaurants, he gets along with your friends. He doesn't show affection to you or call you beautiful, yes that's hurtful but no- you don't get to justify that with " since he has autism, he can't show affection. And I can't hold it against him if its not something he's capable of". That's the biggest crock of crap I've ever heard. As someone who is actually dealing with autism on a daily basis, its almost insulting that you would just toss that out there. And then you tell other people too! It blows my mind.

Maybe try getting off your high horse for a little while.  If you would stop looking down on us imperfect people, you might realize you just might be as messed up as the rest of us. Its so frustrating and disappointing that you act as though you are so much better than everyone. You are such a smart lady but sometimes you just don't  get it.

I love you, and I know you love me. I wish we didn't fight so much. Especially now that you have cancer. I'm not ready to lose you. 

-Meg

Day 13- A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

There are so many to choose from because music is how I deal with things. It can change my bad moods, it can enhance a good mood, it can get me in the mood ;)  I have particular songs/cd's that have helped me thru some tough times- I still can sing along to any Boyz II Men song or Deana Carter's CD. But as a grown up the winner would have to be skillet.

http://www.skillet.com/video/7382f1-awake-and-alive/  <That's  one of my favorite songs of theirs and its gonna be on Transformers 3!! Yay!!!My all time favorite would have to be " Those Nights".


Dear Skillet, there are so many reasons why I love you guys. The first time I saw you was at Creation 2008 when I was pregnant. The first time I felt my baby move was at your show. And then when I listened to your cd's after that, he'd move around in my tummy. When Carter was a little over one and could move around fairly well, we would rock out to your music while I did the dishes. He was so funny, he'd stand in the middle of the baby gate and while holding on totally head bang along with you. I live near Seattle and drove 5 hours to see you guys in Spokane. It was supposed to be me and my daughter but she got sick so I brought Carter with me.  The show was in November so he was only 9 months old. He loved it. He was rocking his head along with you guys. This summer I'm taking all the kids to see you guys at Creation again, I can't wait! I've gotten a few of my friends hooked on you guys, which isn't hard. I have always listened to loud and shouty music when I have a headache or am grumpy but now when I do that I'm not listening to crap. I love that. And I think that's why even though I turn y'all on when I'm mad, it doesn't stay that way past one song. I get my aggression out, listen to cool music and praise God all at the same time. I love you guys! Favorite band ever! And on my ipod- you guys have my top songs taken up and by about 100 plays. Coolbeans, huh?? :) See you in a few weeks!
-Megan

30 Days of Truth- Day 12

Day 12- Something you never get compliments on.  My awesome organizational skills. I don't have the cleanest house, we have 3 kids and most of us are home most of the time- its very well lived in. BUT... My bill binder is so organized and easy to figure out what bills are due, how much they are and my stamps, return labels and envelopes are all in there too. My Bubba binder is also very organized and neat so if I need to send a copy of some of his diagnosis paperwork or look up his last IEP paperwork I know where to go. I like loading the dishwasher because its like doing a puzzle. It takes me longer than most but man can I cram it full of dishes!! And the leftover dishes that don't make it in and I hand wash- they get stacked all cool like a mountain that doesn't fall over. I get that from my dad. And the towels are set up certain ways, my salon area cabinet and trolley are all nice, the kid's toy shelf and their closets. Mine and Joey's closet- that is a thing of beauty. My best friend was helping me one time hang up clothes before a party and I had to tell her which way to hang his shirts so they face the right direction. Then they gets put together by groups of: t-shirts by color, sweatshirts also by color, jerseys by color (and sport), his work shirts go like this: coaches collared shirts, regular collared shirts, short sleeves, collared shirts, long sleeves and then button down shirts. He he he!! She thought I was CRAZY! But ya know, whatev I like the way it looks, it makes it easier for him and I am the one who does the clothes so why not?? Call me anal if you wish but I bet you wish your closet was as nicely put together ;)  My next project is the garage. I'm myself the summer to get it finished and then that too, will be a thing of beauty.

30 Days of Truth- Day 11

Day 11- Something people seem to compliment you on the most. I wrote the previous sentence and sat here for a good 2 or 3 minutes thinking. I don't leave the house very often, and when I do I probably only dress to impress half the time. I'm gonna have to go with my hair. That's been the most consistent one over the years. That and my eyes. Actually, I don't really get compliments on my eyes very often, unless I do em pretty- but I should! They are my favorite, he he he!! 

This should make me happy, but it actually makes me a little sad. I'm by no means shallow but I used to get compliments ALL THE TIME. Whistles, honks when I was younger and walked everywhere, free drinks, all that crap. I definately don't wanna go back in time but I do kinda miss that. I mean, I"m still me, but I guess with an extra __ pounds on me, strangers don't see past that. Well, I'm in the process of fixing that, and not just so I can be cute again- although that is definately part of the plan ;)  I miss jogging and running. Without wanting to die. I want to run around with my kiddos without worrying about extra jiggle, and yes, I want to wear cute clothes again. So far I'm down 6 pounds from last month. Woo hoo!

30 Days of Truth- Day 10 & The C word

Day 10- Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know.  I don't really have anyone in my life making it awful right now. But there may be one or two people who if they faded out of my life, I wouldn't mind.


                                                                           *****

The C word. I am not a big fan. Not since my Grandma Fisher died of lung cancer a month after I got married. Probably 6 or 7 months ago I found out my other Grandma had skin cancer on the tip of her nose. They got it all and she is ok. Earlier this week my mom told me she has it. Uterine cancer. Ugg. I hate cancer. She is going to have surgery and her doctor says they can get it all and its not a big deal (to them), it still scares the crap out of me. The scariest part for me is that my grandma fisher died of cancer, my Grandma Sliva had it too and now my mom does. So am I next in line? This crap I have (LS) ups my chance by 5-10% already, so does all my female family members having some form of cancer make it even higher?  I know this is not about me, but it really makes you think about everything. I can't die. Joey and the kids would be lost without me. And I'm not being cocky, I'm dead serious. I know, not funny right, but with some things you have to laugh or joke or its too hard. And my mom is already picking out her funeral music and outfits so I can joke too. (Our family is kind of messed up, lol, but in a good way). So, I guess more updates to follow on this. Have I mentioned I hate cancer? Well, I DO!

30 Days of Truth- Day 9

Day 9- Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted. Denise. Man I miss her. But at the same time, I think that maybe we were friends for the season we were and I should just be grateful and call it good. When I think of her, I think of the good things, not our breakup. But wait Megan, I thought this was about a friendship that drifted apart, not one that broke up. Yes, yes you are right. But before the breakup we had drifted for almost 2 years. We were so close when we worked together at the salon. Even when I had Camden we stayed really close, through our move 40 minutes north and another move in the same city. The 3rd move however, we didn't make it for long after that. I think that was kind of the turning point. Also, the night we moved that last time, I got pregnant. So I grew up some more (amazing how that happens) and it was also then we started noticing some of Bubba's issues come to light. Back to Denise... So I had Carter and she came to the hospital to see him. We saw her two times after that. At her house. She never once came to the house to see me and that did bug me. But NO ONE came to see me, so everyone annoyed me, lol! She has a genuine fear of driving long distances. And no we don't live far, but if you hit Seattle traffic just right it can seem to take FOREVER. Anyways, Carter was a cranky cranky baby,had lots of health problems and was always crying, I was always crying, Camden started acting up (partly baby, partly autism- but we didn't know yet) so it was very hard to ever have a conversation on the phone with anyone. It still is. Well, we'd talk maybe two or three times a month, and when we were used to talking a few times daily it seems like not much. The nail in our coffin was a misunderstanding on facebook. I misunderstood something she wrote trying to be funny, so did some of my other friends and one wrote something to her, she replied, then I replied. Nothing mean, no name calling but both our feelings got hurt. When she called me I was doing hair. When I got done with Tana's hair we went up stairs and within minutes, Camden got on the eliptical machine and hit Carter in the head with it. So I couldn't call her then either. I texted her, explaining what had just happened and that I'd call her when I got them in bed since it was almost time for dinner and then bedtime stuff starts. So I got the kids all in bed and hopped in the tub and texted her again " Kids are all in bed now, wanna talk?" It was 9 :00. I was so nervous for that phone call. Fast forward to 11:00 and I'm out of the tub, in bed and almost asleep and I get a text that says " I'm up". I thought to myself I'm not and went back to sleep. In the morning I got Carter his breakfast, opened up facebook, working up the courage to call her when I realized SHE DELETED ME. No conversation, no explanations, just a huge misunderstanding and our friendship was over. I was shocked. I don't know her side, what her feelings were during that little 2 day fiasco but I wonder if maybe she knew our friendship was coming to a close too? That we both had changed enough that our friendship wasn't the same as it used to be, and that it was ok to move on? Or maybe, she just hates me. Who knows? Not me, I was too chicken to call her after that. Deleting AND BLOCKING someone sends a pretty loud message that you are done.

Its been over a year now. March 25th was our breakup day, I wonder if she thought of me that day, the same way I thought of her. I am okay with my life without her in it. Do I miss her, of course! In a really weird way, it makes it easier because now I don't have to feel guilty for not spending time with her, because I truly don't have the time. Its funny how people assume if you are a stay at home parent, you have tons of free time. I invite you to come on over and see for yourself. If I have free time, its because someone is napping, kids are at school or I'm ignoring the kids and my housework. I don't get alot of free time, lol.

I miss you D. Especially tonight. Love you, dillweed.

30 Days of Truth- Day 8

Day 8- Someone who made your life hell or treated you like ish.  I've not really had someone who has made my life hell. Not for very long anyways. I have had some people treat me like crap though. No one was super important in my life, or we got through it and I just don't recall (or want to, ha ha). I think that the two people who most treated me like crap were two different guys.

John, a 23 year old guy who thought that I should have sex with him when I was 17 and when I didn't want to. He didn't succeed, I kicked him in the balls and ran out of his room and his friends instantly knew what he'd tried to do and they helped get me to my car.  The other guy was Mike. He did succeed. And no, I didn't want him to do that either. In fact I repeatedly told him that while he was doing his business. And then he passed out on top of me when he finally was done. It took me about 20 minutes to get him off me so I could go hide in the bathroom until my friend came back with my car. Creepy creepy guys. But also nice, normal guys until they did what they did. You'd never think either one of them would be capable of doing something like that. Well, a 23 year old liking a 17 year old, maybe. Well, lesson learned and my poor daughter will never ever be going to boys's houses like that. Scares the crap outta me.

30 Days of Truth- Day 7

Day 7- Someone who has made your life worth living for.  I have many many people in my life that I love and who are very important to me but the person who has given me a purpose, something to learn so much about and how to deal with day in and day out would be my Bubba. Its funny how things turn out. When we found out we were having a boy I cried because I didn't know what to do with a boy. As soon as I saw him I was completely in love. And he was such a wonderful baby! He slept and ate well, didn't cry too much. That all changed when he turned 3. Like night and day it changed. So many little things now that I look back at everything should have clued me in earlier but oh well I guess. We are working on it now. He hated the 2 year old room at church. I'm not sure why either. He did ok in the 3s but that was the first time he started acting up at church. One of the gals there stayed with him during class and he did better. She and I talked and she told me how her daughter has sensory issues, she also gave me some phone numbers for speech since alot of people couldn't really understand him. I called the Alderwood Learning Center and set up an appointment for Camden to get evaluated and he for sure qualified to go there and get speech services. During that time of waiting, Joey's mom and my mom -separately- told me they had worries that Cam may be autistic based on some mannerism's and speech and physical things he does too. I told them both they were crazy. Once Cam started preschool, they noticed him acting up so we had our first IEP meeting. I asked the school psychologist of he thought that Cam may be autistic. he said he didn't think so. So I left it at that. Fast forward to my friend Alison giving me Jenny McCarthy's book about her son and their journey. I could not put it down. Not everything she wrote about fit with Camden but enough of it did that I started googling everything I could find about autism and aspergers, talked to a friend from my old church who's son is severely autistic for advice and her thoughts. We started Camden on the gfcf diet in May 2010. Just like I'd heard his behavior got HORRIBLE for a few weeks, one day it was so so bad we thought for as plit second that we shouldn't be doing this, but also knew that this had to be ending soon. The next day, his behavior was much better. His eyes were more sparkly. He was being sweet again. Yay! Learning the diet was hard and took alot of time at first. Now, on days he's not here I have to really think about what can we have with gluten?? He he. The diet is not a cure all, but it did make a difference and now if he cheats he gets sick. He barely cheats.
This year was kindergarten, he started out at Westgate with Candace in a regular ed class. They changed the schedule this year to save money on mid day bussing by having every other full days. He did not do well. I ended up picking him up early fairly often, and on the days I didn't, he was sitting in the office. It broke my heart. The principal, his teacher and I talked and decided the best thing would be for him to switch to DK at Chase lake. Developmental Kindergarten classes usually have 2-3 teachers and 6-10 kids. He has 2 teachers and 6 classmates. He gets speech, reading and writing services there. Its wonderful.

We got his diagnosis November 1, 2011. Even with being fairly certain about the news we would get I still cried when the psychologist called me with her findings. Mostly tears of relief rather than just sadness. Now we know. Now we can move forward. Now we can get started working and get some help. Well, we got help at school with his IEP, but no one takes our insurance for him to get ABA. Two weeks ago, a Seattle judge ruled that its unlawful for insurance companies to deny mental health therapy (including ABA) for people with autism. YAY!!! I made some calls that day and found someone in our city who does it and comes out to the house. I applied for DDD and am just waiting to hear back, praying he qualifies, otherwise its gonna be 35 an hour. And I don't know how we can do that. Well, actually, I know we can't afford that.

Since we can't do that, I read everything I can, a friend of mines mom works with special ed kids and specializes in autism so she has been a HUGE AMAZING help to me and Bubs. She gives me ideas, books, info and comes over to help me figure out stuff to do with him. Our last project was setting up his summer chart, now then cards, a portable schedule and a binder full of cards we made to velcro on each chart. It was so nice of her to help me and I'm so excited to use them every day to help summer be a little smoother.

I love my son and will do everything in my power to help him. Autism will not define him if I can help it. He is so sweet, funny, cute, loves trains, loves dogs, loves his sister and brother, loves popsicles and popcorn, likes to play sports, dig in the dirt and ride his "motorcycle" in the backyard. Those are much better things to define him. And the best definition: He's my son and I love being his mommy :)

30 Days of Truth- Day 6

Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do.   Hands down easiest question ever- I hope I never have to bury one of my children. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. Nor do I want to. Nope, never ever wanna do that.

I've had my fair share of death. My great grandpa dies when I was 12 but I didn't really know him all that well and I was young so that didn't really affect me too much. 2003 and 2004 were the bad years. In 2003 I was in a really bad car accident, I flipped my car into a ditch, well, more like a hole really. I landed smack in the middle, had I been a few inches any other direction, I may not be writing this. Almost 3 weeks later I found out one of old, really good friends had died. That messed me up big time. I cried and cried. I found out at work, from a coworker and somehow I stumbled to the back room and I remember my boss Ken coming back there and he asked if I was ok, and for the first time ever I said no I wasn't (I always am "fine") and just started bawling. It was like that for a week. I lost 9 pounds from then until the funeral a week later. I miss my Marcus so much, he was so funny and sweet. We went out when I first met him but that didn't last very long. He became one of my best friends, my go to guy when I had a question about other guys and he was always very honest with me, even when I didn't want him to be quite so honest. His passing has been the hardest for me. The second hardest was Tommy P in 2007. He was the first friend I made when I switch high schools. We always had this weird connection and we fought all the time, but there was also alot of love there. He died of a heart attack at the age of 27. That's so crazy. And part of what makes his death hard is that my husband didn't like him and we'd had a big blowout a few months before he passed. Luckily on fathers day he reached out to me to tell me he was sorry. So I'm glad that at least we were on good terms, but still... what a waste.  I've also lost my Grandma Fisher a month after I got married, a cousin committed suicide, another friend from high school, my husbands grandfather who helped raise him, and some others I can't think of. For a year it seemed like everyone was dropping like flies, it was horrible. But as horrible as it all was, I cannot imagine my life without my sweet, obnoxious, cute little munchkins.

30 Days of Truth- Day 5

Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life. One thing I would like to do is to see a football game in every football stadium. I have been to 5 different baseball stadiums and that's pretty cool. My husband is such a huge fan of football in general and I like it too. We have such a great time at Seahawk games, it would be fun to go cheer everywhere, and then he could add to his jersey collection, he he he!!

30 Days of Truth- Day 4

Day 4- Something you need to forgive someone for. A boy in high school was mean to me, and not just calling me ugly mean, but really really mean. I've thought about this for the last 12 years...

Dear Cash,
  Hi, I'm sure you don't remember this day as well as me, but it changed the way I looked at people and felt about people. We were in the downstairs hallway between classes and you yelled at me from the other end of the hallway to wait up. When we got closer you said to me "You need to have an abortion. Or you are gonna F up Disneys life". You were one of the nicest guys I knew and I thought that we were friends. But apparently I was wrong. I cried for a long time over that, and when I think about it too much I can picture us in that hallway and I still tear up (like now). It really hurt my feelings, especially since it was really none of your business. Well, fast forward 12 years and I have a beautiful 11 year old girl, have been married to her father for 7 1/2 years now, we have two more great kids and we just bought our first home. I don't think I F'ed up Disney's life. I am pretty sure I made it better.
But you know, we were young. I made alot of mistakes during that time and I need to let go of this weight. I want to look back on high school and smile, not be sad. So, I forgive you for being mean to me. I know that if you could see the future you wouldn't have said it.  I heard you are a counselor and have a little boy of your own now, I hope that you are doing well.
-Meg

30 Days of Truth- Day 3

Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for. Wow,  so many things running through my mind... I suppose the one that keeps coming up is how I dealt with Joey when Candace was little. And how it affected her. Looking back I completely see the things I could have done better, been nicer about. But at 19 and with my head filled with scary stories from my best friend with a baby and all of their bull crap and from my mom the counselor, I was a little scared of all the what ifs, especially since we weren't on the best of terms. Now though, it breaks my heart when Candace asks why daddy isn't in her baby pictures like he is in the boy's. And why he wasn't at her first 2 birthdays, or there on a Tuesday. And I'm not going to take all of the blame on that, but I should have thought about the future a little more, not that I was mad at him then, that he was stupid then, or that I was scared he might not give her back if she stayed with him back then. Because really, its affected her alot. And I feel bad, I try to make it up to her but I think what I really need to do is just move forward. And to do that, I need to forgive my younger self for all my silliness and unnecessary worrying that still bothers Candace AND Joey. And while I'm at it, I need to ask them for their forgiveness too.

***

I really like this exercise, its making me open up and I'm doing it in real life too, not just on the computer. And speaking of exercising, maybe part of my 30 days of truth is I need to exercise my body more too. Because, if I'm being honest, that could use some work too. 

30 Days of Truths- Day 2

Day 2- Something you love about yourself. This should be easy right? The thing I love most about myself is being a mommy. I am not perfect, to be clear about that. But taking into account how I grew up, things I did or didn't like either at home, at friend's houses and on TV shows has really shaped me into the kind of mom I am today.

I LOVE the real housewives shows! Its great to see how they all are and that most of them are at home moms, because that is kind of the point of the show. Granted there is a HUGE difference of money between my family and theirs, I think my kids have a better shot than most of the kids on that show. Alot of the women either ignore their kids or they want to be their best friend. I want to be a mom. And the line does get a little hazy sometimes with me and Candace, but she knows that I am her mom and not her sister or bff (he he). I love all my kiddos and their friends. Most of them like coming over and a few would rather be at our house than their own homes. I think that speaks volumes. I want to be the mom that the kids all like, but also listen to and feel comfortable talking to me about stuff. I try to keep our home presentable and comfy, I have snacks for the kids after school when we do homework, I take them fun places, I have ALOT of patience, I listen to them, break up fights, cook them foods they like, get them all special treats sometimes, and show them lots of love so they know they are loved. Well, I hope anyways. Its hard when you factor in when one of them has special needs but you still want things to be as fair/even as can be. But in reading one of my autism books I found a great quote: "Fair is not when everything is absolutely equal. Fair is when everyone gets what they need". With that thought in mind, I think I think I am doing a pretty darn good job. And I have a great partner who helps out when he is around and gives me great support.  I also have great kids so I guess that's what helps me think I'm a great mom. Either way- I just love being a mommy :)

30 days of Truths- day 1

I'm totally stealing this. I saw this on a friends blog and she stole it from her friend, who is now my friend so I think its okay. I didn't even read the whole list yet, just a few and thought, what a great idea so here goes...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself



Day 1- Something you hate about yourself. That shouldn't be too hard. I think my #1 thing is .... hmm... this is actually kind of hard. Hmmm..... I guess its that I don't speak up/stand up for myself often enough. I will let most people walk all over me until I've had enough and then I blow up. I wish I could just tell people what I think, as I'm thinking it.  Its something I've been working on though.

Some big things I regret: my best friend wasn't my maid of honor. She had a new again boyfriend and was so wrapped up in him that I felt ditched. I am not good at asking for help and she didn't offer to help me with wedding stuff. I just kept getting more and more annoyed and the final straw was a few days before the wedding I asked if she'd gotten new shoes yet and she said no. I told her lets go get them, I'll buy. That way she has nice shoes for my wedding and we could actually spend some time together. Well, I don't remember exactly why but we never went, she was with the boyfriend. I'd had enough and demoted her to bridesmaid and bumped another friend up to matron of honor. If I had just told her how I felt, it wouldn't have been like that. I really don't know how she forgave me, but I'm really glad she did. That was not one of my finer moments. Another regret: so much wasted time that I could have spent with my husband. But I didn't know how to articulate my thoughts into words, and quite honestly I didn't even know my thoughts. I'm glad he put up with my crap as well, because I'm so happy with him.

Kinda funny that my 2 regrets are of my 2 favorite people that I don't know how I would get by without.

One is the loneliest number?

I would have to disagree with the Beatles on this one. I'm almost never alone and I am lonely. When I start to say something like "I miss adults" some people are ready to tell me "good, its time for you to get back to work then. "  Ummm... that's not what I meant and by the way, I work 24/7 thank you very much. I miss hanging out with my friends. And yes I do miss working in a salon, doing hair, being around chatty girls and hearing lots of gossip but if I had the choice of being home with my kiddos or working (and a paycheck not being a factor) I would choose my kids. No hesitation. But I miss being able to feel free to go hang out with friends, to not worry about the kids or who is watching them, to just have fun.

I think I am stuck in an autism bubble. Its so easy to just be home where things are safe and calm. Ha ha, well, calmER. Going to my moms house is incredibly stressful. My mom tries to help and usually she is very helpful but her patience for Camden is so low and my dad just really doesn't have a clue about how he needs to interact with him. You cannot just tease him like you do everyone else. He doesn't get it. And then Camden will try to do it back but it doesn't always come out right so my dad gets mad and puts him in time out, which makes him scream, then my dad gets madder and tries to give him spankings. "Because he shouldn't throw fits like that." I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. Camden doesn't need special treatment but he needs a little more consideration. How hard is it to just not pick on the kid when you know he's gonna freak out? Seems pretty easy to me. I think its a grandpa thing because Joey's step dad does it too. Larry is usually pretty good with Bubs but he is a total pushover, telling him no no no and then letting him do whatever he just told him no about. Consistency people! Camden thrives on consistency and schedules. Always has, even before we knew why he did. Bugga V is my go to person with Bubs. She knows his diet almost as well as I do, she knows how to calm him, when its ok to spoil him, and is learning better how to tell him no and mean it. That was a problem for a little while. She is so wonderful for me and for Camden. The hardest part about him spending  time with Bugga V is when its time to come home. He throws huge fits, screams, hides, hits/scratches/bites himself or even tries running away. One time when I went to pick him up he came running out to me and I thought I was gonna get a hug, but instead he punched me and yelled "I'm not going home with you".  Such a sweet boy!

Back to me now... I think that I am over my depression, I had ppd after both boys. I think I am just incredibly lonely. I have wonderful friends and I know they love me and mean well, but most of them have never witnessed a huge Bubba freak out. And while I am grateful for that, I also kinda wish they could, so they'd know just how hard it can be sometimes. And also realize why I don't really leave the house. And maybe come visit me, so I can stay where my Bubbys needs me, in our little autism bubble.

Lead Me

So I am the girl that loves to be sung to. An old boyfriend/friend of mine and I would sit around for hours just singing along with the radio and our favorite cd's and sometimes he would sing songs to me. Sometimes he would just sing to me without the radio. It made me feel very special. I know that not everyone is the same and not everyone is a great singer, but I still like to be sung to. And every once in a while my hubby will sing along to a song or hum it as we sit together or dance in our room. Its very sweet and I truly love when he does that, because it doesn't happen very often. 

I have a (bad?) habit of picking out songs for him to sing to me/think of me when he hears them. And I tell him this and he rolls his eyes, lol. Well, sometimes there comes along a song that I just cannot pretend he is singing to me, one that he has to hear for himself and that he needs to sing along to, not even to me. A friend from church told me about it and the first time I REALLY heard it I cried and cried. Now even I still cry when it gets to the last verse/chorus. Because I so badly want that to be my husbands prayer. And I can't make him do it, it has to be on him. I love my husband so much, but I just think that we could have so much more depth to us if he were a true man of God and led our house as a man of God like the bible says to. Our old pastor Kevin who married us had this framed art thing at his house that was a braid and it said something about marriage should be like a tight braid with God, my husband, and the wife being the cords that make the braid, when there are three strong cords woven together, its so strong. I want that for us. Lyrics...

• LEAD ME by Sanctus Real
• I look around and see my wonderful life
  Almost perfect from the outside
  In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
  Always smiling, but on the inside
  
  Oh, I can hear her saying
  
  Lead me with strong hands
  Stand up when I can't
  Don't leave me hungry for love
  Chasing dreams, but what about us?
  
  Show me you're willing to fight
  That I'm still the love of your life
  I know we call this our home
  But I still feel alone
  
  I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
  They're just children from the outside
  I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
  They're independent, but on the inside
  
  Oh, I can hear them saying
  
  Lead me with strong hands
  Stand up when I can't
  Don't leave me hungry for love
  Chasing dreams, what about us?
  
  Show me you're willing to fight
  That I'm still the love of your life
  I know we call this our home
  But I still feel alone
  
  So Father, give me the strength
  To be everything I'm called to be
  Oh Father, show me the way
  To lead them
  
  Won't You lead me?
  
  To lead them with strong hands
  To stand up when they can't
  Don't want to leave them hungry for love
  Chasing things that I could give up
  
  I'll show them I'm willing to fight
  And give them the best of my life
  So we can call this our home
  Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone
  
  Father lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone.



Joey & Megan- February 7, 2004



My Twilight obsession

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIpeBi6SG4A&feature=player_embedded


Oh my goodness I am so excited for this movie. I love all the Twilight books, I really can't decide which is my favorite because I have so many favorite parts in each book. Most of the big twihards have liked these books and movies for a few years now. I was slow to get on the train. I was told repeatedly by quite a few of my friends that I would love it, but I just thought it was going to be dumb. And I'm still not really sure about the whole vampire and werewolf thing- if its ok for my daughter to watch. I was brought up not even being able to watch the Smurfs (Gargamell is a wizard?) or Scooby Doo (because they looked for ghosts). Those kinds of shows and movies weren't ok by my moms standards so its still a little tough for me to decide whats ok and what she was overly protective of. Btw- I watched an episode of the smurfs a few weeks ago with my hubby and it was stupid so I don't think I missed out on anything.  But, back to my point, my daughter has watched them already before I had. She watched Twilight with her aunt and Eclipse with her friends. I wanted to know what she was watching so I got the Twilight book. I finished it in 2 days. I then went back to get New Moon but thought, eh, I'll get the other 3 while I'm here and save a trip. Sooo glad I did because I could not put them down! I finished all 4 books in 8 days. These are not small books either! So then my friend Lynze (who is the biggest fan I know) was coming over to get her hair done and we watched Twilight. My first reaction was... okay, that's kinda lame compared to the book, but on its own its really good. So I watched it again, and it was def better the 2nd and 3rd time around. Two days later I rented New Moon, the next day I rented Eclipse. It only took 2 weeks and I was HOOKED!

We moved shortly after I was hooked so with our new dish we got the dvr. First thing I did was find the first two movies, tape and save them. For Valentines day my hubby got me Eclipse. I watch them over and over. I am right  now re reading the series. Just finished Twilight last night and will start New Moon tonight. My husband thinks I'm crazy to read the same books over and over. But they are so good and so entertaining! Stephenie Meyer is a genius writer.

Breaking Dawn part 1 comes out on my birthday this year. Happy birthday to me! I want to go see it at midnight but my hubby wants to take me to Forks, stay at a hotel or BnB and watch it over there. I have the best husband ever!! But... I think I'm still gonna go at midnight with some girlfriends, lol!