Well, I have two answers for this. One silly (but serious) and the other is just serious. I'll go with serious first...
"Ten things every child with Autism wishes you knew" by Ellen Notbohm.
I got this book before we even had Camden's diagnosis. I knew there was something going on with him that was different than the other two kiddos, well- than Candace because Carter was just a baby still. But I figured it couldn't hurt and it completely opened my eyes. The summer Camden was 3 and I was pregnant I read "Raising a strong willed child" by Dr. James Dobson. That book did help quite a bit but Ten Things was a deal changer for me. It made me realize things about Camden and myself, an insight to the reasons why he does or doesn't do certain things, and how to treat situations differently. I have passed it around to the grandmothers and they treat him differently now after reading it as well. i wish my husband and the grandpa's would read it. Mainly my husband, just because I think it would be so beneficial for HIM, as well as our son.
And now for my "silly" one. The Twilight Saga. He he he!! As if you didn't know (if you know me, that is). I had been told about the books by friends and my friends mom how amazing they were and that I should read them and that I'd really like them. My answer was always "whatever". I think the reason was because of my own mother. She brought us up thinking that the smurfs were evil, so vampires must be too right?? Well, I read all the books and I love them. My hubby makes fun of me for RE reading them. They are THAT good!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Day 16- Someone you could live without
This entry doesn't sound very nice. So I'm going to make in not quite as mean. I'm not wishing death upon anyone, the person(s) I could live without would go on with their lives, just not in mine. That said I really only can think of one person I am tired of dealing with. Not that I hate her or she made me mad. She is a nice girl, but just knowing that when she calls I don't want to talk, when she comes over I don't want her to and the fact that I'm okay with not being her friend makes me realize I'm not a being a good friend to her so why waste each others time? BUT I'm too nice (back to day 2 confession, lol) to cut someone off. I've done it once in my life and it was totally necessary but the only reason I was able to do that was because I was pregnant. I get feisty when I'm preggers. So I've been trying the fadeout thing. It was going okay for a week or so, but now... I don't know. We got off the fadeout track. I'm a wheenie.
No names. Not very exciting, I know, but I know her name and that's really all that matters.
No names. Not very exciting, I know, but I know her name and that's really all that matters.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Day 15- Something or someone you can't live without, because you've tried living without it.
My husband is someone I can't live without. We broke up in high school the day we found out we were pregnant with Candace. About an hour before we found out, to be exact. We were not together for 2 1/2 years. During that time I had a boyfriend and he had girlfriends but I always thought about him every once in a while. When we were both single things kind of fell into place for us. I got scared and fought it a little, but came to my senses before Joey gave up on me. Thank God for that. I could have missed out on having everything I'd ever wanted because I was scared of it. Its pretty silly when I look back on it all now. But I'm glad I have my hubby and I don't know what I'd do without him. Hopefully I will never find out.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Day 14- Write a letter to a hero that has let you down.
Oh wow. Uuuuuummm.... Well, I'm not so sure about hero but someone I have looked up to and wanted approval from for my whole life would be my mom. And I'm so glad she doesn't read this. Here goes...
Mom- I am not sure when we became frenemies, if it was when I was being a turd teenager or before that but I hate our relationship. Its sucky. I've always wanted you to love me for me, despite all my flaws. I know I am not perfect, I don't need it pointed out repeatedly, year after year. Its hurtful and makes me resent you when things get brought up over and over.
Some of my mistakes are funny yes, but to keep being reminded of what a rotten kid I was and how mean I was to Brady isn't really helping anything. Or do you think it is? Trust me, I feel HORRIBLE about the scar on his face. I have cried quite a few times about that and I have apologized to Brady. He's forgiven me, when will you? I am not a screw up anymore, I'd like to not be treated as one anymore. I know you think I was such a bad kid but I really wasn't. Yes, I was naive and yes I did get pregnant at 18. But that wasn't on purpose. I got caught on my first or second time! And, most importantly, you love Candace, so do we really need to rehash that one?
I think that if you are honest with yourself, you aren't completely happy with your life. And I am easy to bring down. I think that's why you treat me the way you do. I also truly believe you don't realize how you treat me. You can't, or you wouldn't do it. It baffles me that as a counselor you do some of the things you do and say the things you say. I know that Daddy isn't perfect, BELIEVE ME. And I don't defend him as if its my job, I defend him when I feel its necessary. The latest defense being that my father is not autistic. I cannot even believe that you try to justify your two's relationship issues with deciding he has autism or aspergers. Now, lets not get mixed up here- there is nothing wrong with someone having autism, its just that my dad isn't someone who has it. Yes, he has a routine. He's a grown man with a job and household duties who also likes to golf and watch baseball. He's a simple man. No, he's not a social butterfly. But he has friends, he is friendly with strangers at stores and restaurants, he gets along with your friends. He doesn't show affection to you or call you beautiful, yes that's hurtful but no- you don't get to justify that with " since he has autism, he can't show affection. And I can't hold it against him if its not something he's capable of". That's the biggest crock of crap I've ever heard. As someone who is actually dealing with autism on a daily basis, its almost insulting that you would just toss that out there. And then you tell other people too! It blows my mind.
Maybe try getting off your high horse for a little while. If you would stop looking down on us imperfect people, you might realize you just might be as messed up as the rest of us. Its so frustrating and disappointing that you act as though you are so much better than everyone. You are such a smart lady but sometimes you just don't get it.
I love you, and I know you love me. I wish we didn't fight so much. Especially now that you have cancer. I'm not ready to lose you.
Mom- I am not sure when we became frenemies, if it was when I was being a turd teenager or before that but I hate our relationship. Its sucky. I've always wanted you to love me for me, despite all my flaws. I know I am not perfect, I don't need it pointed out repeatedly, year after year. Its hurtful and makes me resent you when things get brought up over and over.
Some of my mistakes are funny yes, but to keep being reminded of what a rotten kid I was and how mean I was to Brady isn't really helping anything. Or do you think it is? Trust me, I feel HORRIBLE about the scar on his face. I have cried quite a few times about that and I have apologized to Brady. He's forgiven me, when will you? I am not a screw up anymore, I'd like to not be treated as one anymore. I know you think I was such a bad kid but I really wasn't. Yes, I was naive and yes I did get pregnant at 18. But that wasn't on purpose. I got caught on my first or second time! And, most importantly, you love Candace, so do we really need to rehash that one?
I think that if you are honest with yourself, you aren't completely happy with your life. And I am easy to bring down. I think that's why you treat me the way you do. I also truly believe you don't realize how you treat me. You can't, or you wouldn't do it. It baffles me that as a counselor you do some of the things you do and say the things you say. I know that Daddy isn't perfect, BELIEVE ME. And I don't defend him as if its my job, I defend him when I feel its necessary. The latest defense being that my father is not autistic. I cannot even believe that you try to justify your two's relationship issues with deciding he has autism or aspergers. Now, lets not get mixed up here- there is nothing wrong with someone having autism, its just that my dad isn't someone who has it. Yes, he has a routine. He's a grown man with a job and household duties who also likes to golf and watch baseball. He's a simple man. No, he's not a social butterfly. But he has friends, he is friendly with strangers at stores and restaurants, he gets along with your friends. He doesn't show affection to you or call you beautiful, yes that's hurtful but no- you don't get to justify that with " since he has autism, he can't show affection. And I can't hold it against him if its not something he's capable of". That's the biggest crock of crap I've ever heard. As someone who is actually dealing with autism on a daily basis, its almost insulting that you would just toss that out there. And then you tell other people too! It blows my mind.
Maybe try getting off your high horse for a little while. If you would stop looking down on us imperfect people, you might realize you just might be as messed up as the rest of us. Its so frustrating and disappointing that you act as though you are so much better than everyone. You are such a smart lady but sometimes you just don't get it.
I love you, and I know you love me. I wish we didn't fight so much. Especially now that you have cancer. I'm not ready to lose you.
-Meg
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Day 13- A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
There are so many to choose from because music is how I deal with things. It can change my bad moods, it can enhance a good mood, it can get me in the mood ;) I have particular songs/cd's that have helped me thru some tough times- I still can sing along to any Boyz II Men song or Deana Carter's CD. But as a grown up the winner would have to be skillet.
http://www.skillet.com/video/7382f1-awake-and-alive/ <That's one of my favorite songs of theirs and its gonna be on Transformers 3!! Yay!!!My all time favorite would have to be " Those Nights".
Dear Skillet, there are so many reasons why I love you guys. The first time I saw you was at Creation 2008 when I was pregnant. The first time I felt my baby move was at your show. And then when I listened to your cd's after that, he'd move around in my tummy. When Carter was a little over one and could move around fairly well, we would rock out to your music while I did the dishes. He was so funny, he'd stand in the middle of the baby gate and while holding on totally head bang along with you. I live near Seattle and drove 5 hours to see you guys in Spokane. It was supposed to be me and my daughter but she got sick so I brought Carter with me. The show was in November so he was only 9 months old. He loved it. He was rocking his head along with you guys. This summer I'm taking all the kids to see you guys at Creation again, I can't wait! I've gotten a few of my friends hooked on you guys, which isn't hard. I have always listened to loud and shouty music when I have a headache or am grumpy but now when I do that I'm not listening to crap. I love that. And I think that's why even though I turn y'all on when I'm mad, it doesn't stay that way past one song. I get my aggression out, listen to cool music and praise God all at the same time. I love you guys! Favorite band ever! And on my ipod- you guys have my top songs taken up and by about 100 plays. Coolbeans, huh?? :) See you in a few weeks!
-Megan
http://www.skillet.com/video/7382f1-awake-and-alive/ <That's one of my favorite songs of theirs and its gonna be on Transformers 3!! Yay!!!My all time favorite would have to be " Those Nights".
Dear Skillet, there are so many reasons why I love you guys. The first time I saw you was at Creation 2008 when I was pregnant. The first time I felt my baby move was at your show. And then when I listened to your cd's after that, he'd move around in my tummy. When Carter was a little over one and could move around fairly well, we would rock out to your music while I did the dishes. He was so funny, he'd stand in the middle of the baby gate and while holding on totally head bang along with you. I live near Seattle and drove 5 hours to see you guys in Spokane. It was supposed to be me and my daughter but she got sick so I brought Carter with me. The show was in November so he was only 9 months old. He loved it. He was rocking his head along with you guys. This summer I'm taking all the kids to see you guys at Creation again, I can't wait! I've gotten a few of my friends hooked on you guys, which isn't hard. I have always listened to loud and shouty music when I have a headache or am grumpy but now when I do that I'm not listening to crap. I love that. And I think that's why even though I turn y'all on when I'm mad, it doesn't stay that way past one song. I get my aggression out, listen to cool music and praise God all at the same time. I love you guys! Favorite band ever! And on my ipod- you guys have my top songs taken up and by about 100 plays. Coolbeans, huh?? :) See you in a few weeks!
-Megan
Sunday, June 26, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 12
Day 12- Something you never get compliments on. My awesome organizational skills. I don't have the cleanest house, we have 3 kids and most of us are home most of the time- its very well lived in. BUT... My bill binder is so organized and easy to figure out what bills are due, how much they are and my stamps, return labels and envelopes are all in there too. My Bubba binder is also very organized and neat so if I need to send a copy of some of his diagnosis paperwork or look up his last IEP paperwork I know where to go. I like loading the dishwasher because its like doing a puzzle. It takes me longer than most but man can I cram it full of dishes!! And the leftover dishes that don't make it in and I hand wash- they get stacked all cool like a mountain that doesn't fall over. I get that from my dad. And the towels are set up certain ways, my salon area cabinet and trolley are all nice, the kid's toy shelf and their closets. Mine and Joey's closet- that is a thing of beauty. My best friend was helping me one time hang up clothes before a party and I had to tell her which way to hang his shirts so they face the right direction. Then they gets put together by groups of: t-shirts by color, sweatshirts also by color, jerseys by color (and sport), his work shirts go like this: coaches collared shirts, regular collared shirts, short sleeves, collared shirts, long sleeves and then button down shirts. He he he!! She thought I was CRAZY! But ya know, whatev I like the way it looks, it makes it easier for him and I am the one who does the clothes so why not?? Call me anal if you wish but I bet you wish your closet was as nicely put together ;) My next project is the garage. I'm myself the summer to get it finished and then that too, will be a thing of beauty.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 11
Day 11- Something people seem to compliment you on the most. I wrote the previous sentence and sat here for a good 2 or 3 minutes thinking. I don't leave the house very often, and when I do I probably only dress to impress half the time. I'm gonna have to go with my hair. That's been the most consistent one over the years. That and my eyes. Actually, I don't really get compliments on my eyes very often, unless I do em pretty- but I should! They are my favorite, he he he!!
This should make me happy, but it actually makes me a little sad. I'm by no means shallow but I used to get compliments ALL THE TIME. Whistles, honks when I was younger and walked everywhere, free drinks, all that crap. I definately don't wanna go back in time but I do kinda miss that. I mean, I"m still me, but I guess with an extra __ pounds on me, strangers don't see past that. Well, I'm in the process of fixing that, and not just so I can be cute again- although that is definately part of the plan ;) I miss jogging and running. Without wanting to die. I want to run around with my kiddos without worrying about extra jiggle, and yes, I want to wear cute clothes again. So far I'm down 6 pounds from last month. Woo hoo!
This should make me happy, but it actually makes me a little sad. I'm by no means shallow but I used to get compliments ALL THE TIME. Whistles, honks when I was younger and walked everywhere, free drinks, all that crap. I definately don't wanna go back in time but I do kinda miss that. I mean, I"m still me, but I guess with an extra __ pounds on me, strangers don't see past that. Well, I'm in the process of fixing that, and not just so I can be cute again- although that is definately part of the plan ;) I miss jogging and running. Without wanting to die. I want to run around with my kiddos without worrying about extra jiggle, and yes, I want to wear cute clothes again. So far I'm down 6 pounds from last month. Woo hoo!
Friday, June 24, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 10 & The C word
Day 10- Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know. I don't really have anyone in my life making it awful right now. But there may be one or two people who if they faded out of my life, I wouldn't mind.
*****
The C word. I am not a big fan. Not since my Grandma Fisher died of lung cancer a month after I got married. Probably 6 or 7 months ago I found out my other Grandma had skin cancer on the tip of her nose. They got it all and she is ok. Earlier this week my mom told me she has it. Uterine cancer. Ugg. I hate cancer. She is going to have surgery and her doctor says they can get it all and its not a big deal (to them), it still scares the crap out of me. The scariest part for me is that my grandma fisher died of cancer, my Grandma Sliva had it too and now my mom does. So am I next in line? This crap I have (LS) ups my chance by 5-10% already, so does all my female family members having some form of cancer make it even higher? I know this is not about me, but it really makes you think about everything. I can't die. Joey and the kids would be lost without me. And I'm not being cocky, I'm dead serious. I know, not funny right, but with some things you have to laugh or joke or its too hard. And my mom is already picking out her funeral music and outfits so I can joke too. (Our family is kind of messed up, lol, but in a good way). So, I guess more updates to follow on this. Have I mentioned I hate cancer? Well, I DO!
*****
The C word. I am not a big fan. Not since my Grandma Fisher died of lung cancer a month after I got married. Probably 6 or 7 months ago I found out my other Grandma had skin cancer on the tip of her nose. They got it all and she is ok. Earlier this week my mom told me she has it. Uterine cancer. Ugg. I hate cancer. She is going to have surgery and her doctor says they can get it all and its not a big deal (to them), it still scares the crap out of me. The scariest part for me is that my grandma fisher died of cancer, my Grandma Sliva had it too and now my mom does. So am I next in line? This crap I have (LS) ups my chance by 5-10% already, so does all my female family members having some form of cancer make it even higher? I know this is not about me, but it really makes you think about everything. I can't die. Joey and the kids would be lost without me. And I'm not being cocky, I'm dead serious. I know, not funny right, but with some things you have to laugh or joke or its too hard. And my mom is already picking out her funeral music and outfits so I can joke too. (Our family is kind of messed up, lol, but in a good way). So, I guess more updates to follow on this. Have I mentioned I hate cancer? Well, I DO!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 9
Day 9- Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted. Denise. Man I miss her. But at the same time, I think that maybe we were friends for the season we were and I should just be grateful and call it good. When I think of her, I think of the good things, not our breakup. But wait Megan, I thought this was about a friendship that drifted apart, not one that broke up. Yes, yes you are right. But before the breakup we had drifted for almost 2 years. We were so close when we worked together at the salon. Even when I had Camden we stayed really close, through our move 40 minutes north and another move in the same city. The 3rd move however, we didn't make it for long after that. I think that was kind of the turning point. Also, the night we moved that last time, I got pregnant. So I grew up some more (amazing how that happens) and it was also then we started noticing some of Bubba's issues come to light. Back to Denise... So I had Carter and she came to the hospital to see him. We saw her two times after that. At her house. She never once came to the house to see me and that did bug me. But NO ONE came to see me, so everyone annoyed me, lol! She has a genuine fear of driving long distances. And no we don't live far, but if you hit Seattle traffic just right it can seem to take FOREVER. Anyways, Carter was a cranky cranky baby,had lots of health problems and was always crying, I was always crying, Camden started acting up (partly baby, partly autism- but we didn't know yet) so it was very hard to ever have a conversation on the phone with anyone. It still is. Well, we'd talk maybe two or three times a month, and when we were used to talking a few times daily it seems like not much. The nail in our coffin was a misunderstanding on facebook. I misunderstood something she wrote trying to be funny, so did some of my other friends and one wrote something to her, she replied, then I replied. Nothing mean, no name calling but both our feelings got hurt. When she called me I was doing hair. When I got done with Tana's hair we went up stairs and within minutes, Camden got on the eliptical machine and hit Carter in the head with it. So I couldn't call her then either. I texted her, explaining what had just happened and that I'd call her when I got them in bed since it was almost time for dinner and then bedtime stuff starts. So I got the kids all in bed and hopped in the tub and texted her again " Kids are all in bed now, wanna talk?" It was 9 :00. I was so nervous for that phone call. Fast forward to 11:00 and I'm out of the tub, in bed and almost asleep and I get a text that says " I'm up". I thought to myself I'm not and went back to sleep. In the morning I got Carter his breakfast, opened up facebook, working up the courage to call her when I realized SHE DELETED ME. No conversation, no explanations, just a huge misunderstanding and our friendship was over. I was shocked. I don't know her side, what her feelings were during that little 2 day fiasco but I wonder if maybe she knew our friendship was coming to a close too? That we both had changed enough that our friendship wasn't the same as it used to be, and that it was ok to move on? Or maybe, she just hates me. Who knows? Not me, I was too chicken to call her after that. Deleting AND BLOCKING someone sends a pretty loud message that you are done.
Its been over a year now. March 25th was our breakup day, I wonder if she thought of me that day, the same way I thought of her. I am okay with my life without her in it. Do I miss her, of course! In a really weird way, it makes it easier because now I don't have to feel guilty for not spending time with her, because I truly don't have the time. Its funny how people assume if you are a stay at home parent, you have tons of free time. I invite you to come on over and see for yourself. If I have free time, its because someone is napping, kids are at school or I'm ignoring the kids and my housework. I don't get alot of free time, lol.
I miss you D. Especially tonight. Love you, dillweed.
Its been over a year now. March 25th was our breakup day, I wonder if she thought of me that day, the same way I thought of her. I am okay with my life without her in it. Do I miss her, of course! In a really weird way, it makes it easier because now I don't have to feel guilty for not spending time with her, because I truly don't have the time. Its funny how people assume if you are a stay at home parent, you have tons of free time. I invite you to come on over and see for yourself. If I have free time, its because someone is napping, kids are at school or I'm ignoring the kids and my housework. I don't get alot of free time, lol.
I miss you D. Especially tonight. Love you, dillweed.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 8
Day 8- Someone who made your life hell or treated you like ish. I've not really had someone who has made my life hell. Not for very long anyways. I have had some people treat me like crap though. No one was super important in my life, or we got through it and I just don't recall (or want to, ha ha). I think that the two people who most treated me like crap were two different guys.
John, a 23 year old guy who thought that I should have sex with him when I was 17 and when I didn't want to. He didn't succeed, I kicked him in the balls and ran out of his room and his friends instantly knew what he'd tried to do and they helped get me to my car. The other guy was Mike. He did succeed. And no, I didn't want him to do that either. In fact I repeatedly told him that while he was doing his business. And then he passed out on top of me when he finally was done. It took me about 20 minutes to get him off me so I could go hide in the bathroom until my friend came back with my car. Creepy creepy guys. But also nice, normal guys until they did what they did. You'd never think either one of them would be capable of doing something like that. Well, a 23 year old liking a 17 year old, maybe. Well, lesson learned and my poor daughter will never ever be going to boys's houses like that. Scares the crap outta me.
John, a 23 year old guy who thought that I should have sex with him when I was 17 and when I didn't want to. He didn't succeed, I kicked him in the balls and ran out of his room and his friends instantly knew what he'd tried to do and they helped get me to my car. The other guy was Mike. He did succeed. And no, I didn't want him to do that either. In fact I repeatedly told him that while he was doing his business. And then he passed out on top of me when he finally was done. It took me about 20 minutes to get him off me so I could go hide in the bathroom until my friend came back with my car. Creepy creepy guys. But also nice, normal guys until they did what they did. You'd never think either one of them would be capable of doing something like that. Well, a 23 year old liking a 17 year old, maybe. Well, lesson learned and my poor daughter will never ever be going to boys's houses like that. Scares the crap outta me.
Monday, June 20, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 7
Day 7- Someone who has made your life worth living for. I have many many people in my life that I love and who are very important to me but the person who has given me a purpose, something to learn so much about and how to deal with day in and day out would be my Bubba. Its funny how things turn out. When we found out we were having a boy I cried because I didn't know what to do with a boy. As soon as I saw him I was completely in love. And he was such a wonderful baby! He slept and ate well, didn't cry too much. That all changed when he turned 3. Like night and day it changed. So many little things now that I look back at everything should have clued me in earlier but oh well I guess. We are working on it now. He hated the 2 year old room at church. I'm not sure why either. He did ok in the 3s but that was the first time he started acting up at church. One of the gals there stayed with him during class and he did better. She and I talked and she told me how her daughter has sensory issues, she also gave me some phone numbers for speech since alot of people couldn't really understand him. I called the Alderwood Learning Center and set up an appointment for Camden to get evaluated and he for sure qualified to go there and get speech services. During that time of waiting, Joey's mom and my mom -separately- told me they had worries that Cam may be autistic based on some mannerism's and speech and physical things he does too. I told them both they were crazy. Once Cam started preschool, they noticed him acting up so we had our first IEP meeting. I asked the school psychologist of he thought that Cam may be autistic. he said he didn't think so. So I left it at that. Fast forward to my friend Alison giving me Jenny McCarthy's book about her son and their journey. I could not put it down. Not everything she wrote about fit with Camden but enough of it did that I started googling everything I could find about autism and aspergers, talked to a friend from my old church who's son is severely autistic for advice and her thoughts. We started Camden on the gfcf diet in May 2010. Just like I'd heard his behavior got HORRIBLE for a few weeks, one day it was so so bad we thought for as plit second that we shouldn't be doing this, but also knew that this had to be ending soon. The next day, his behavior was much better. His eyes were more sparkly. He was being sweet again. Yay! Learning the diet was hard and took alot of time at first. Now, on days he's not here I have to really think about what can we have with gluten?? He he. The diet is not a cure all, but it did make a difference and now if he cheats he gets sick. He barely cheats.
This year was kindergarten, he started out at Westgate with Candace in a regular ed class. They changed the schedule this year to save money on mid day bussing by having every other full days. He did not do well. I ended up picking him up early fairly often, and on the days I didn't, he was sitting in the office. It broke my heart. The principal, his teacher and I talked and decided the best thing would be for him to switch to DK at Chase lake. Developmental Kindergarten classes usually have 2-3 teachers and 6-10 kids. He has 2 teachers and 6 classmates. He gets speech, reading and writing services there. Its wonderful.
We got his diagnosis November 1, 2011. Even with being fairly certain about the news we would get I still cried when the psychologist called me with her findings. Mostly tears of relief rather than just sadness. Now we know. Now we can move forward. Now we can get started working and get some help. Well, we got help at school with his IEP, but no one takes our insurance for him to get ABA. Two weeks ago, a Seattle judge ruled that its unlawful for insurance companies to deny mental health therapy (including ABA) for people with autism. YAY!!! I made some calls that day and found someone in our city who does it and comes out to the house. I applied for DDD and am just waiting to hear back, praying he qualifies, otherwise its gonna be 35 an hour. And I don't know how we can do that. Well, actually, I know we can't afford that.
Since we can't do that, I read everything I can, a friend of mines mom works with special ed kids and specializes in autism so she has been a HUGE AMAZING help to me and Bubs. She gives me ideas, books, info and comes over to help me figure out stuff to do with him. Our last project was setting up his summer chart, now then cards, a portable schedule and a binder full of cards we made to velcro on each chart. It was so nice of her to help me and I'm so excited to use them every day to help summer be a little smoother.
I love my son and will do everything in my power to help him. Autism will not define him if I can help it. He is so sweet, funny, cute, loves trains, loves dogs, loves his sister and brother, loves popsicles and popcorn, likes to play sports, dig in the dirt and ride his "motorcycle" in the backyard. Those are much better things to define him. And the best definition: He's my son and I love being his mommy :)
This year was kindergarten, he started out at Westgate with Candace in a regular ed class. They changed the schedule this year to save money on mid day bussing by having every other full days. He did not do well. I ended up picking him up early fairly often, and on the days I didn't, he was sitting in the office. It broke my heart. The principal, his teacher and I talked and decided the best thing would be for him to switch to DK at Chase lake. Developmental Kindergarten classes usually have 2-3 teachers and 6-10 kids. He has 2 teachers and 6 classmates. He gets speech, reading and writing services there. Its wonderful.
We got his diagnosis November 1, 2011. Even with being fairly certain about the news we would get I still cried when the psychologist called me with her findings. Mostly tears of relief rather than just sadness. Now we know. Now we can move forward. Now we can get started working and get some help. Well, we got help at school with his IEP, but no one takes our insurance for him to get ABA. Two weeks ago, a Seattle judge ruled that its unlawful for insurance companies to deny mental health therapy (including ABA) for people with autism. YAY!!! I made some calls that day and found someone in our city who does it and comes out to the house. I applied for DDD and am just waiting to hear back, praying he qualifies, otherwise its gonna be 35 an hour. And I don't know how we can do that. Well, actually, I know we can't afford that.
Since we can't do that, I read everything I can, a friend of mines mom works with special ed kids and specializes in autism so she has been a HUGE AMAZING help to me and Bubs. She gives me ideas, books, info and comes over to help me figure out stuff to do with him. Our last project was setting up his summer chart, now then cards, a portable schedule and a binder full of cards we made to velcro on each chart. It was so nice of her to help me and I'm so excited to use them every day to help summer be a little smoother.
I love my son and will do everything in my power to help him. Autism will not define him if I can help it. He is so sweet, funny, cute, loves trains, loves dogs, loves his sister and brother, loves popsicles and popcorn, likes to play sports, dig in the dirt and ride his "motorcycle" in the backyard. Those are much better things to define him. And the best definition: He's my son and I love being his mommy :)
Saturday, June 18, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 6
Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do. Hands down easiest question ever- I hope I never have to bury one of my children. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. Nor do I want to. Nope, never ever wanna do that.
I've had my fair share of death. My great grandpa dies when I was 12 but I didn't really know him all that well and I was young so that didn't really affect me too much. 2003 and 2004 were the bad years. In 2003 I was in a really bad car accident, I flipped my car into a ditch, well, more like a hole really. I landed smack in the middle, had I been a few inches any other direction, I may not be writing this. Almost 3 weeks later I found out one of old, really good friends had died. That messed me up big time. I cried and cried. I found out at work, from a coworker and somehow I stumbled to the back room and I remember my boss Ken coming back there and he asked if I was ok, and for the first time ever I said no I wasn't (I always am "fine") and just started bawling. It was like that for a week. I lost 9 pounds from then until the funeral a week later. I miss my Marcus so much, he was so funny and sweet. We went out when I first met him but that didn't last very long. He became one of my best friends, my go to guy when I had a question about other guys and he was always very honest with me, even when I didn't want him to be quite so honest. His passing has been the hardest for me. The second hardest was Tommy P in 2007. He was the first friend I made when I switch high schools. We always had this weird connection and we fought all the time, but there was also alot of love there. He died of a heart attack at the age of 27. That's so crazy. And part of what makes his death hard is that my husband didn't like him and we'd had a big blowout a few months before he passed. Luckily on fathers day he reached out to me to tell me he was sorry. So I'm glad that at least we were on good terms, but still... what a waste. I've also lost my Grandma Fisher a month after I got married, a cousin committed suicide, another friend from high school, my husbands grandfather who helped raise him, and some others I can't think of. For a year it seemed like everyone was dropping like flies, it was horrible. But as horrible as it all was, I cannot imagine my life without my sweet, obnoxious, cute little munchkins.
I've had my fair share of death. My great grandpa dies when I was 12 but I didn't really know him all that well and I was young so that didn't really affect me too much. 2003 and 2004 were the bad years. In 2003 I was in a really bad car accident, I flipped my car into a ditch, well, more like a hole really. I landed smack in the middle, had I been a few inches any other direction, I may not be writing this. Almost 3 weeks later I found out one of old, really good friends had died. That messed me up big time. I cried and cried. I found out at work, from a coworker and somehow I stumbled to the back room and I remember my boss Ken coming back there and he asked if I was ok, and for the first time ever I said no I wasn't (I always am "fine") and just started bawling. It was like that for a week. I lost 9 pounds from then until the funeral a week later. I miss my Marcus so much, he was so funny and sweet. We went out when I first met him but that didn't last very long. He became one of my best friends, my go to guy when I had a question about other guys and he was always very honest with me, even when I didn't want him to be quite so honest. His passing has been the hardest for me. The second hardest was Tommy P in 2007. He was the first friend I made when I switch high schools. We always had this weird connection and we fought all the time, but there was also alot of love there. He died of a heart attack at the age of 27. That's so crazy. And part of what makes his death hard is that my husband didn't like him and we'd had a big blowout a few months before he passed. Luckily on fathers day he reached out to me to tell me he was sorry. So I'm glad that at least we were on good terms, but still... what a waste. I've also lost my Grandma Fisher a month after I got married, a cousin committed suicide, another friend from high school, my husbands grandfather who helped raise him, and some others I can't think of. For a year it seemed like everyone was dropping like flies, it was horrible. But as horrible as it all was, I cannot imagine my life without my sweet, obnoxious, cute little munchkins.
Friday, June 17, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 5
Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life. One thing I would like to do is to see a football game in every football stadium. I have been to 5 different baseball stadiums and that's pretty cool. My husband is such a huge fan of football in general and I like it too. We have such a great time at Seahawk games, it would be fun to go cheer everywhere, and then he could add to his jersey collection, he he he!!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 4
Day 4- Something you need to forgive someone for. A boy in high school was mean to me, and not just calling me ugly mean, but really really mean. I've thought about this for the last 12 years...
Dear Cash,
Hi, I'm sure you don't remember this day as well as me, but it changed the way I looked at people and felt about people. We were in the downstairs hallway between classes and you yelled at me from the other end of the hallway to wait up. When we got closer you said to me "You need to have an abortion. Or you are gonna F up Disneys life". You were one of the nicest guys I knew and I thought that we were friends. But apparently I was wrong. I cried for a long time over that, and when I think about it too much I can picture us in that hallway and I still tear up (like now). It really hurt my feelings, especially since it was really none of your business. Well, fast forward 12 years and I have a beautiful 11 year old girl, have been married to her father for 7 1/2 years now, we have two more great kids and we just bought our first home. I don't think I F'ed up Disney's life. I am pretty sure I made it better.
But you know, we were young. I made alot of mistakes during that time and I need to let go of this weight. I want to look back on high school and smile, not be sad. So, I forgive you for being mean to me. I know that if you could see the future you wouldn't have said it. I heard you are a counselor and have a little boy of your own now, I hope that you are doing well.
-Meg
Dear Cash,
Hi, I'm sure you don't remember this day as well as me, but it changed the way I looked at people and felt about people. We were in the downstairs hallway between classes and you yelled at me from the other end of the hallway to wait up. When we got closer you said to me "You need to have an abortion. Or you are gonna F up Disneys life". You were one of the nicest guys I knew and I thought that we were friends. But apparently I was wrong. I cried for a long time over that, and when I think about it too much I can picture us in that hallway and I still tear up (like now). It really hurt my feelings, especially since it was really none of your business. Well, fast forward 12 years and I have a beautiful 11 year old girl, have been married to her father for 7 1/2 years now, we have two more great kids and we just bought our first home. I don't think I F'ed up Disney's life. I am pretty sure I made it better.
But you know, we were young. I made alot of mistakes during that time and I need to let go of this weight. I want to look back on high school and smile, not be sad. So, I forgive you for being mean to me. I know that if you could see the future you wouldn't have said it. I heard you are a counselor and have a little boy of your own now, I hope that you are doing well.
-Meg
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
30 Days of Truth- Day 3
Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for. Wow, so many things running through my mind... I suppose the one that keeps coming up is how I dealt with Joey when Candace was little. And how it affected her. Looking back I completely see the things I could have done better, been nicer about. But at 19 and with my head filled with scary stories from my best friend with a baby and all of their bull crap and from my mom the counselor, I was a little scared of all the what ifs, especially since we weren't on the best of terms. Now though, it breaks my heart when Candace asks why daddy isn't in her baby pictures like he is in the boy's. And why he wasn't at her first 2 birthdays, or there on a Tuesday. And I'm not going to take all of the blame on that, but I should have thought about the future a little more, not that I was mad at him then, that he was stupid then, or that I was scared he might not give her back if she stayed with him back then. Because really, its affected her alot. And I feel bad, I try to make it up to her but I think what I really need to do is just move forward. And to do that, I need to forgive my younger self for all my silliness and unnecessary worrying that still bothers Candace AND Joey. And while I'm at it, I need to ask them for their forgiveness too.
***
I really like this exercise, its making me open up and I'm doing it in real life too, not just on the computer. And speaking of exercising, maybe part of my 30 days of truth is I need to exercise my body more too. Because, if I'm being honest, that could use some work too.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
30 Days of Truths- Day 2
Day 2- Something you love about yourself. This should be easy right? The thing I love most about myself is being a mommy. I am not perfect, to be clear about that. But taking into account how I grew up, things I did or didn't like either at home, at friend's houses and on TV shows has really shaped me into the kind of mom I am today.
I LOVE the real housewives shows! Its great to see how they all are and that most of them are at home moms, because that is kind of the point of the show. Granted there is a HUGE difference of money between my family and theirs, I think my kids have a better shot than most of the kids on that show. Alot of the women either ignore their kids or they want to be their best friend. I want to be a mom. And the line does get a little hazy sometimes with me and Candace, but she knows that I am her mom and not her sister or bff (he he). I love all my kiddos and their friends. Most of them like coming over and a few would rather be at our house than their own homes. I think that speaks volumes. I want to be the mom that the kids all like, but also listen to and feel comfortable talking to me about stuff. I try to keep our home presentable and comfy, I have snacks for the kids after school when we do homework, I take them fun places, I have ALOT of patience, I listen to them, break up fights, cook them foods they like, get them all special treats sometimes, and show them lots of love so they know they are loved. Well, I hope anyways. Its hard when you factor in when one of them has special needs but you still want things to be as fair/even as can be. But in reading one of my autism books I found a great quote: "Fair is not when everything is absolutely equal. Fair is when everyone gets what they need". With that thought in mind, I think I think I am doing a pretty darn good job. And I have a great partner who helps out when he is around and gives me great support. I also have great kids so I guess that's what helps me think I'm a great mom. Either way- I just love being a mommy :)
I LOVE the real housewives shows! Its great to see how they all are and that most of them are at home moms, because that is kind of the point of the show. Granted there is a HUGE difference of money between my family and theirs, I think my kids have a better shot than most of the kids on that show. Alot of the women either ignore their kids or they want to be their best friend. I want to be a mom. And the line does get a little hazy sometimes with me and Candace, but she knows that I am her mom and not her sister or bff (he he). I love all my kiddos and their friends. Most of them like coming over and a few would rather be at our house than their own homes. I think that speaks volumes. I want to be the mom that the kids all like, but also listen to and feel comfortable talking to me about stuff. I try to keep our home presentable and comfy, I have snacks for the kids after school when we do homework, I take them fun places, I have ALOT of patience, I listen to them, break up fights, cook them foods they like, get them all special treats sometimes, and show them lots of love so they know they are loved. Well, I hope anyways. Its hard when you factor in when one of them has special needs but you still want things to be as fair/even as can be. But in reading one of my autism books I found a great quote: "Fair is not when everything is absolutely equal. Fair is when everyone gets what they need". With that thought in mind, I think I think I am doing a pretty darn good job. And I have a great partner who helps out when he is around and gives me great support. I also have great kids so I guess that's what helps me think I'm a great mom. Either way- I just love being a mommy :)
Monday, June 13, 2011
30 days of Truths- day 1
I'm totally stealing this. I saw this on a friends blog and she stole it from her friend, who is now my friend so I think its okay. I didn't even read the whole list yet, just a few and thought, what a great idea so here goes...
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 1- Something you hate about yourself. That shouldn't be too hard. I think my #1 thing is .... hmm... this is actually kind of hard. Hmmm..... I guess its that I don't speak up/stand up for myself often enough. I will let most people walk all over me until I've had enough and then I blow up. I wish I could just tell people what I think, as I'm thinking it. Its something I've been working on though.
Some big things I regret: my best friend wasn't my maid of honor. She had a new again boyfriend and was so wrapped up in him that I felt ditched. I am not good at asking for help and she didn't offer to help me with wedding stuff. I just kept getting more and more annoyed and the final straw was a few days before the wedding I asked if she'd gotten new shoes yet and she said no. I told her lets go get them, I'll buy. That way she has nice shoes for my wedding and we could actually spend some time together. Well, I don't remember exactly why but we never went, she was with the boyfriend. I'd had enough and demoted her to bridesmaid and bumped another friend up to matron of honor. If I had just told her how I felt, it wouldn't have been like that. I really don't know how she forgave me, but I'm really glad she did. That was not one of my finer moments. Another regret: so much wasted time that I could have spent with my husband. But I didn't know how to articulate my thoughts into words, and quite honestly I didn't even know my thoughts. I'm glad he put up with my crap as well, because I'm so happy with him.
Kinda funny that my 2 regrets are of my 2 favorite people that I don't know how I would get by without.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 1- Something you hate about yourself. That shouldn't be too hard. I think my #1 thing is .... hmm... this is actually kind of hard. Hmmm..... I guess its that I don't speak up/stand up for myself often enough. I will let most people walk all over me until I've had enough and then I blow up. I wish I could just tell people what I think, as I'm thinking it. Its something I've been working on though.
Some big things I regret: my best friend wasn't my maid of honor. She had a new again boyfriend and was so wrapped up in him that I felt ditched. I am not good at asking for help and she didn't offer to help me with wedding stuff. I just kept getting more and more annoyed and the final straw was a few days before the wedding I asked if she'd gotten new shoes yet and she said no. I told her lets go get them, I'll buy. That way she has nice shoes for my wedding and we could actually spend some time together. Well, I don't remember exactly why but we never went, she was with the boyfriend. I'd had enough and demoted her to bridesmaid and bumped another friend up to matron of honor. If I had just told her how I felt, it wouldn't have been like that. I really don't know how she forgave me, but I'm really glad she did. That was not one of my finer moments. Another regret: so much wasted time that I could have spent with my husband. But I didn't know how to articulate my thoughts into words, and quite honestly I didn't even know my thoughts. I'm glad he put up with my crap as well, because I'm so happy with him.
Kinda funny that my 2 regrets are of my 2 favorite people that I don't know how I would get by without.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
One is the loneliest number?
I would have to disagree with the Beatles on this one. I'm almost never alone and I am lonely. When I start to say something like "I miss adults" some people are ready to tell me "good, its time for you to get back to work then. " Ummm... that's not what I meant and by the way, I work 24/7 thank you very much. I miss hanging out with my friends. And yes I do miss working in a salon, doing hair, being around chatty girls and hearing lots of gossip but if I had the choice of being home with my kiddos or working (and a paycheck not being a factor) I would choose my kids. No hesitation. But I miss being able to feel free to go hang out with friends, to not worry about the kids or who is watching them, to just have fun.
I think I am stuck in an autism bubble. Its so easy to just be home where things are safe and calm. Ha ha, well, calmER. Going to my moms house is incredibly stressful. My mom tries to help and usually she is very helpful but her patience for Camden is so low and my dad just really doesn't have a clue about how he needs to interact with him. You cannot just tease him like you do everyone else. He doesn't get it. And then Camden will try to do it back but it doesn't always come out right so my dad gets mad and puts him in time out, which makes him scream, then my dad gets madder and tries to give him spankings. "Because he shouldn't throw fits like that." I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. Camden doesn't need special treatment but he needs a little more consideration. How hard is it to just not pick on the kid when you know he's gonna freak out? Seems pretty easy to me. I think its a grandpa thing because Joey's step dad does it too. Larry is usually pretty good with Bubs but he is a total pushover, telling him no no no and then letting him do whatever he just told him no about. Consistency people! Camden thrives on consistency and schedules. Always has, even before we knew why he did. Bugga V is my go to person with Bubs. She knows his diet almost as well as I do, she knows how to calm him, when its ok to spoil him, and is learning better how to tell him no and mean it. That was a problem for a little while. She is so wonderful for me and for Camden. The hardest part about him spending time with Bugga V is when its time to come home. He throws huge fits, screams, hides, hits/scratches/bites himself or even tries running away. One time when I went to pick him up he came running out to me and I thought I was gonna get a hug, but instead he punched me and yelled "I'm not going home with you". Such a sweet boy!
Back to me now... I think that I am over my depression, I had ppd after both boys. I think I am just incredibly lonely. I have wonderful friends and I know they love me and mean well, but most of them have never witnessed a huge Bubba freak out. And while I am grateful for that, I also kinda wish they could, so they'd know just how hard it can be sometimes. And also realize why I don't really leave the house. And maybe come visit me, so I can stay where my Bubbys needs me, in our little autism bubble.
I think I am stuck in an autism bubble. Its so easy to just be home where things are safe and calm. Ha ha, well, calmER. Going to my moms house is incredibly stressful. My mom tries to help and usually she is very helpful but her patience for Camden is so low and my dad just really doesn't have a clue about how he needs to interact with him. You cannot just tease him like you do everyone else. He doesn't get it. And then Camden will try to do it back but it doesn't always come out right so my dad gets mad and puts him in time out, which makes him scream, then my dad gets madder and tries to give him spankings. "Because he shouldn't throw fits like that." I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. Camden doesn't need special treatment but he needs a little more consideration. How hard is it to just not pick on the kid when you know he's gonna freak out? Seems pretty easy to me. I think its a grandpa thing because Joey's step dad does it too. Larry is usually pretty good with Bubs but he is a total pushover, telling him no no no and then letting him do whatever he just told him no about. Consistency people! Camden thrives on consistency and schedules. Always has, even before we knew why he did. Bugga V is my go to person with Bubs. She knows his diet almost as well as I do, she knows how to calm him, when its ok to spoil him, and is learning better how to tell him no and mean it. That was a problem for a little while. She is so wonderful for me and for Camden. The hardest part about him spending time with Bugga V is when its time to come home. He throws huge fits, screams, hides, hits/scratches/bites himself or even tries running away. One time when I went to pick him up he came running out to me and I thought I was gonna get a hug, but instead he punched me and yelled "I'm not going home with you". Such a sweet boy!
Back to me now... I think that I am over my depression, I had ppd after both boys. I think I am just incredibly lonely. I have wonderful friends and I know they love me and mean well, but most of them have never witnessed a huge Bubba freak out. And while I am grateful for that, I also kinda wish they could, so they'd know just how hard it can be sometimes. And also realize why I don't really leave the house. And maybe come visit me, so I can stay where my Bubbys needs me, in our little autism bubble.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Lead Me
So I am the girl that loves to be sung to. An old boyfriend/friend of mine and I would sit around for hours just singing along with the radio and our favorite cd's and sometimes he would sing songs to me. Sometimes he would just sing to me without the radio. It made me feel very special. I know that not everyone is the same and not everyone is a great singer, but I still like to be sung to. And every once in a while my hubby will sing along to a song or hum it as we sit together or dance in our room. Its very sweet and I truly love when he does that, because it doesn't happen very often.
I have a (bad?) habit of picking out songs for him to sing to me/think of me when he hears them. And I tell him this and he rolls his eyes, lol. Well, sometimes there comes along a song that I just cannot pretend he is singing to me, one that he has to hear for himself and that he needs to sing along to, not even to me. A friend from church told me about it and the first time I REALLY heard it I cried and cried. Now even I still cry when it gets to the last verse/chorus. Because I so badly want that to be my husbands prayer. And I can't make him do it, it has to be on him. I love my husband so much, but I just think that we could have so much more depth to us if he were a true man of God and led our house as a man of God like the bible says to. Our old pastor Kevin who married us had this framed art thing at his house that was a braid and it said something about marriage should be like a tight braid with God, my husband, and the wife being the cords that make the braid, when there are three strong cords woven together, its so strong. I want that for us. Lyrics...
I have a (bad?) habit of picking out songs for him to sing to me/think of me when he hears them. And I tell him this and he rolls his eyes, lol. Well, sometimes there comes along a song that I just cannot pretend he is singing to me, one that he has to hear for himself and that he needs to sing along to, not even to me. A friend from church told me about it and the first time I REALLY heard it I cried and cried. Now even I still cry when it gets to the last verse/chorus. Because I so badly want that to be my husbands prayer. And I can't make him do it, it has to be on him. I love my husband so much, but I just think that we could have so much more depth to us if he were a true man of God and led our house as a man of God like the bible says to. Our old pastor Kevin who married us had this framed art thing at his house that was a braid and it said something about marriage should be like a tight braid with God, my husband, and the wife being the cords that make the braid, when there are three strong cords woven together, its so strong. I want that for us. Lyrics...
- LEAD ME by Sanctus Real
- I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside
Oh, I can hear her saying
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent, but on the inside
Oh, I can hear them saying
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone
Father lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone.
 |
| Joey & Megan- February 7, 2004 |
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
My Twilight obsession
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIpeBi6SG4A&feature=player_embedded
Oh my goodness I am so excited for this movie. I love all the Twilight books, I really can't decide which is my favorite because I have so many favorite parts in each book. Most of the big twihards have liked these books and movies for a few years now. I was slow to get on the train. I was told repeatedly by quite a few of my friends that I would love it, but I just thought it was going to be dumb. And I'm still not really sure about the whole vampire and werewolf thing- if its ok for my daughter to watch. I was brought up not even being able to watch the Smurfs (Gargamell is a wizard?) or Scooby Doo (because they looked for ghosts). Those kinds of shows and movies weren't ok by my moms standards so its still a little tough for me to decide whats ok and what she was overly protective of. Btw- I watched an episode of the smurfs a few weeks ago with my hubby and it was stupid so I don't think I missed out on anything. But, back to my point, my daughter has watched them already before I had. She watched Twilight with her aunt and Eclipse with her friends. I wanted to know what she was watching so I got the Twilight book. I finished it in 2 days. I then went back to get New Moon but thought, eh, I'll get the other 3 while I'm here and save a trip. Sooo glad I did because I could not put them down! I finished all 4 books in 8 days. These are not small books either! So then my friend Lynze (who is the biggest fan I know) was coming over to get her hair done and we watched Twilight. My first reaction was... okay, that's kinda lame compared to the book, but on its own its really good. So I watched it again, and it was def better the 2nd and 3rd time around. Two days later I rented New Moon, the next day I rented Eclipse. It only took 2 weeks and I was HOOKED!
We moved shortly after I was hooked so with our new dish we got the dvr. First thing I did was find the first two movies, tape and save them. For Valentines day my hubby got me Eclipse. I watch them over and over. I am right now re reading the series. Just finished Twilight last night and will start New Moon tonight. My husband thinks I'm crazy to read the same books over and over. But they are so good and so entertaining! Stephenie Meyer is a genius writer.
Breaking Dawn part 1 comes out on my birthday this year. Happy birthday to me! I want to go see it at midnight but my hubby wants to take me to Forks, stay at a hotel or BnB and watch it over there. I have the best husband ever!! But... I think I'm still gonna go at midnight with some girlfriends, lol!
Oh my goodness I am so excited for this movie. I love all the Twilight books, I really can't decide which is my favorite because I have so many favorite parts in each book. Most of the big twihards have liked these books and movies for a few years now. I was slow to get on the train. I was told repeatedly by quite a few of my friends that I would love it, but I just thought it was going to be dumb. And I'm still not really sure about the whole vampire and werewolf thing- if its ok for my daughter to watch. I was brought up not even being able to watch the Smurfs (Gargamell is a wizard?) or Scooby Doo (because they looked for ghosts). Those kinds of shows and movies weren't ok by my moms standards so its still a little tough for me to decide whats ok and what she was overly protective of. Btw- I watched an episode of the smurfs a few weeks ago with my hubby and it was stupid so I don't think I missed out on anything. But, back to my point, my daughter has watched them already before I had. She watched Twilight with her aunt and Eclipse with her friends. I wanted to know what she was watching so I got the Twilight book. I finished it in 2 days. I then went back to get New Moon but thought, eh, I'll get the other 3 while I'm here and save a trip. Sooo glad I did because I could not put them down! I finished all 4 books in 8 days. These are not small books either! So then my friend Lynze (who is the biggest fan I know) was coming over to get her hair done and we watched Twilight. My first reaction was... okay, that's kinda lame compared to the book, but on its own its really good. So I watched it again, and it was def better the 2nd and 3rd time around. Two days later I rented New Moon, the next day I rented Eclipse. It only took 2 weeks and I was HOOKED!
We moved shortly after I was hooked so with our new dish we got the dvr. First thing I did was find the first two movies, tape and save them. For Valentines day my hubby got me Eclipse. I watch them over and over. I am right now re reading the series. Just finished Twilight last night and will start New Moon tonight. My husband thinks I'm crazy to read the same books over and over. But they are so good and so entertaining! Stephenie Meyer is a genius writer.
Breaking Dawn part 1 comes out on my birthday this year. Happy birthday to me! I want to go see it at midnight but my hubby wants to take me to Forks, stay at a hotel or BnB and watch it over there. I have the best husband ever!! But... I think I'm still gonna go at midnight with some girlfriends, lol!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Our memorial day weekend
It seemed as if most of my friends were going camping or doing other fun things. At first I was a little jealous because I like camping and the sun too, but it turned out to be a really great weekend- just the family at home. When you are a one income family and have a special needs kid, staying home is a good thing.
The kids had Friday and Monday off. Thursday night I did some weeding and my hubby cut the grass. Got some work out of the way so we could play. Friday was a total veg day. It was awesome. The only thing we did was go rent "Despicable Me" and "Justin Bieber". Friday after finishing off the meatloaf and chicken casserole I'd made earlier in the week we had family movie night. We watched 'Despicable Me', me and Bubs had Bubba popcorn and Candace had reg popcorn (which tastes really gross now that I've been eating Bubba's with him).
Saturday we went down to my parents and picked up their picnic table to bring up to our house. Its so awesome, my uncle built it for them and its so big. Camden has already taken it over with his garbage trains. Candace's friend Aolani came over to spend the night. I love her. She is the nicest little girl. Us girls watched Justin Bieber, played wheel of fortune, and I straightened Aolani's hair.
Sunday was a little rough. We barely made it to church. Camden wanted to finish watching his show and Carter couldn't decide if he wanted to stay home or come with me and Bubs. Finally after 20 minutes of their nonsense I came downstairs to just listen to the service online. Well, our stoooopid laptop wouldn't start. So I left for church while Carter was outside and Camden came running out behind me. We were only 30 minutes late. So glad I made it though, our pastor is amazing and was speaking about the end times and all the nonsense that Camping guy talked about. So after service I go get Bubs from his class and tell him lets go. Well, he freaked out and hid under a table and started having a mini freak out. I told him he needed to get up and walk or I would be carrying him out to the car. He walked. Once we were in the car and he was done telling me I'm stupid and he wanted to stay at church longer we talked about why its not okay to do that. And in our conversation I asked what would be a better way to leave. We decided that when I pick him up from now on I will let him know I'm there and we are going to leave in2 or 3 minutes. Transitions are so hard for him. We'll see if that works next week I guess. Aolani went home about 1:30 and at 2 I took Candace to her other friends house for a sleepover. That night me and my boys ate dinner outside on the deck and then watched Despicable Me again, but this time Carter watched it too. He sat still for the first 45 minutes! Got fidgety and then sat still again. Yay! Its exciting that he will be able to join us for the family night movies soon.
After we had all the kids in bed Joey and I were just talking and decided we both had a great weekend, despite the Bubba issues, without going anywhere, or doing anything fancy. Loving life!!
Me and my Bubbys goofing around. I love my sweet boy :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Special Olympics & diabetes
Today at Camden's school they had Young Athletes Day. Its when people from Special Olympics visit the school and do an athletic program for the kids as a way to introduce them to the special Olympics. Bubba was so excited this morning to go "play sports", it was also the first time in a looong time I didn't have to fight him to get ready for school. I wish they did this every day! He did great. I think at 8 or 9 is when kids can start participating in SO, and I think he will really enjoy that too when the time comes. I signed us up for the Autism Walk in September. Our team name is "Bubba and Friends", just like Thomas and Friends. Ha ha. Our shirts are gonna be sooo cute!
After the thing at Bubbas school I went to lunch with my mom (and Candace, Carter and Harlow) and she told me my dad has diabetes. It really makes me sad. I know my dad eats a bunch of junk, but he is healthy! He exercises, plays golf, is usually outside cutting the grass or doing something. I can't believe it. Candace started crying. I don't want anything bad to ever happen to my dad, he's not a sick person. I just don't get it. I always thought that diabetes was more of an overweight thing. And he is definately not. It just makes me very sad. And kinda mad too, but I'm not sure why. Well, yes I do know why but I aint saying that outloud.
After the thing at Bubbas school I went to lunch with my mom (and Candace, Carter and Harlow) and she told me my dad has diabetes. It really makes me sad. I know my dad eats a bunch of junk, but he is healthy! He exercises, plays golf, is usually outside cutting the grass or doing something. I can't believe it. Candace started crying. I don't want anything bad to ever happen to my dad, he's not a sick person. I just don't get it. I always thought that diabetes was more of an overweight thing. And he is definately not. It just makes me very sad. And kinda mad too, but I'm not sure why. Well, yes I do know why but I aint saying that outloud.
Friday, April 29, 2011
No more nummies
Its official. I am officially done with breastfeeding.
With Candace I was 19 and breastfeeding was hard. I used a breast shield with every feeding, saw a lactation consultant, and cried alot because it hurt and I felt like a failure. I nursed her for a whopping 3 weeks. And that's with formula also. Found out 9 years later that the reason I wasn't producing milk was due to my cesarean infection. That would have been nice to know back then. Oh well.
With Camden I was 24 and as soon as we were rolled into our room I popped him on the boob and he went to town. He was a pro from the start. My only little bump with him was at 2 weeks old and I'd had Taco Del Mar for lunch. I called my mom at midnight that night crying because he was crying and hungry but wouldn't nurse. So then I cried while I made him a small bottle. Finally he went to sleep. Then next day my nurse came to check on us, and when I told her about the night before she had me pump to see if maybe I wasn't producing (my fear, because of Candace) but I pumped 3 oz pretty quickly- she was actually impressed I had that much so early on, but like I said, Bubs was a pro. She then asked what I had for lunch yesterday. When I told her she asked if my food was spicy and smiled when I said yes. That was the culprit and no more Taco Del Mar for me after that. We went until he self weened at 10, almost 11 months.
Now Carter was my champ. I was 28 when I had him and was 99% sure he was our last. He too, took to it really well at first. On day 2 we had a little trouble. Turns out he was tongue tied (the stringy thing under your tongue went all the way to the tip of his tongue) so it made it harder for him to latch on. We powered through it and at 2 1/2 weeks I took him to Childrens and they snipped it and holy moly it was so much easier after that. Nursing took less time and didn't hurt quite as bad. Carter also had GERD so he nursed almost constantly. Once we figured out his deal, got him on medication and a sleeping wedge things got much easier. but it was a rough 4 months at first. At this moment we are sitting on the couch watching cartoons, he is 2 and almost 3 months. Its been one month and 3 days since I last nursed him. It just dawned on me. I nursed him last on March 26th, the day before we left for Hawaii and the boys went to stay at Grandma V's for the week. That was how we weened. We were down to once or twice a day already. Its kind of sad, but I'm okay with it. I am proud that we did it for so long, especially considering all his health issues. When he couldn't eat, he had his nummies. I always thought it was weird if you nursed a kid when they could ask for it, but when Candace was a baby she would ask for her "baa" and I'd give her a bottle. How is asking for "nummies" any different? Some friends and family members thought it was a little weird, but thats okay. It really is a personal thing and I don't regret it what so ever, in fact I miss the closeness but now that he has stopped hitting them and asking for nummies, he snuggles up to me and lays his head on my chest. Its nice too.
Some places I've nursed (just so I can remember and laugh)...
Group Health hosp
my parents house
gym
Valley Medical
carriages apartments
Joey's moms house in Lynnwood
maple valley comm church
Kathy Scotts house
airplane to and from Georgia
bathroom in funeral home in Georgia
Nanny's old house in GA
hotel we stayed at in GA
Chick fil A in GA
my car
the van
bathroom at the mall
Skillet concert in Spokane
hotel in Spokane
Kira's house
Calvary Fellowship
doctors office
Dani and Marchello's wedding reception
March of Dimes walk
Seahawks game
Mariners game
Joey's football games
ferry boats
Red Robin
Azteca
The Olive Garden
my Grandma's house
the Seattle Aquarium
woodland park zoo
Green Lake
park by our old house
Lake Ballinger
Joey's moms house in MLT
OUR FIRST HOUSE :)
With Candace I was 19 and breastfeeding was hard. I used a breast shield with every feeding, saw a lactation consultant, and cried alot because it hurt and I felt like a failure. I nursed her for a whopping 3 weeks. And that's with formula also. Found out 9 years later that the reason I wasn't producing milk was due to my cesarean infection. That would have been nice to know back then. Oh well.
With Camden I was 24 and as soon as we were rolled into our room I popped him on the boob and he went to town. He was a pro from the start. My only little bump with him was at 2 weeks old and I'd had Taco Del Mar for lunch. I called my mom at midnight that night crying because he was crying and hungry but wouldn't nurse. So then I cried while I made him a small bottle. Finally he went to sleep. Then next day my nurse came to check on us, and when I told her about the night before she had me pump to see if maybe I wasn't producing (my fear, because of Candace) but I pumped 3 oz pretty quickly- she was actually impressed I had that much so early on, but like I said, Bubs was a pro. She then asked what I had for lunch yesterday. When I told her she asked if my food was spicy and smiled when I said yes. That was the culprit and no more Taco Del Mar for me after that. We went until he self weened at 10, almost 11 months.
Now Carter was my champ. I was 28 when I had him and was 99% sure he was our last. He too, took to it really well at first. On day 2 we had a little trouble. Turns out he was tongue tied (the stringy thing under your tongue went all the way to the tip of his tongue) so it made it harder for him to latch on. We powered through it and at 2 1/2 weeks I took him to Childrens and they snipped it and holy moly it was so much easier after that. Nursing took less time and didn't hurt quite as bad. Carter also had GERD so he nursed almost constantly. Once we figured out his deal, got him on medication and a sleeping wedge things got much easier. but it was a rough 4 months at first. At this moment we are sitting on the couch watching cartoons, he is 2 and almost 3 months. Its been one month and 3 days since I last nursed him. It just dawned on me. I nursed him last on March 26th, the day before we left for Hawaii and the boys went to stay at Grandma V's for the week. That was how we weened. We were down to once or twice a day already. Its kind of sad, but I'm okay with it. I am proud that we did it for so long, especially considering all his health issues. When he couldn't eat, he had his nummies. I always thought it was weird if you nursed a kid when they could ask for it, but when Candace was a baby she would ask for her "baa" and I'd give her a bottle. How is asking for "nummies" any different? Some friends and family members thought it was a little weird, but thats okay. It really is a personal thing and I don't regret it what so ever, in fact I miss the closeness but now that he has stopped hitting them and asking for nummies, he snuggles up to me and lays his head on my chest. Its nice too.
Some places I've nursed (just so I can remember and laugh)...
Group Health hosp
my parents house
gym
Valley Medical
carriages apartments
Joey's moms house in Lynnwood
maple valley comm church
Kathy Scotts house
airplane to and from Georgia
bathroom in funeral home in Georgia
Nanny's old house in GA
hotel we stayed at in GA
Chick fil A in GA
my car
the van
bathroom at the mall
Skillet concert in Spokane
hotel in Spokane
Kira's house
Calvary Fellowship
doctors office
Dani and Marchello's wedding reception
March of Dimes walk
Seahawks game
Mariners game
Joey's football games
ferry boats
Red Robin
Azteca
The Olive Garden
my Grandma's house
the Seattle Aquarium
woodland park zoo
Green Lake
park by our old house
Lake Ballinger
Joey's moms house in MLT
OUR FIRST HOUSE :)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Random rambling
When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities.
When GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
Nanny sends me all the chain emails she gets and usually I will delete them or just skim over them. Today I read through them and found this gem. Its quite perfect and so so true. The other day Camden had his awful day, I put on my status "
* * * * *
Yesterday after school was out Candace had her friend come over. They play so well together an did their homework. When I was driving her home, she asked if Candace could move in with her. I told her no, Joey wouldn't like that. Ha ha. Candace gave me her *shocked* face and Victoria laughed. I told her the answer was no, we would both miss her. Then the little geniuses asked if Victoria could move in with us. Then they started trying to convince me that it would be fine with her dad, her brother is already moving to Montana to live with his grandparents. I told her to ask her dad and then I would think of an answer. Of course her dad would say no. That's kind of crazy right? But... it got me thinking. That would be pretty awesome. I like Victoria, she's a really good kid. She is over all the time anyways, she is good with the boys and they like her. Plus then Candace could switch schools AND keep going to school with Vicky. That's the main reason she doesn't want to switch. Hmmm, maybe I can convince him to let her move in! Ha ha ha.
* * * * *
We got a new doggy! His name is Easy and his name is so perfect for him. He's a 3 year old pug, my friend gave him to us. He fits right in, the kids absolutely love him. As soon as Carter wakes up or we get home he's asking for "Easy? Puppy dog?" Its really cute. I was trying to upload a picture but its not working.
*****
My house smells so good right now! My hubby and I are going to an autism class tonight so grandma V is coming to watch the kiddos. I've got dinner going in the crock pot to make things easier for her. Pineapple Chicken and rice. Its so good and totally gluten and casein free.
I coat the bottom of the pot with onion powder. Next up is 4 chicken breasts going around in a circle. I use pineapple rings and place them on top of the chicken and then dump the juice in too. Then comes terriyaki sauce. I do two circles around. And then chicken broth over the top of it all. Probably 2 cups? Cook on high for 5 hours and make rice when its almost ready= yummy easy dinner :)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
It only takes a second
Its funny how things can be going so great and one second later everything is in shambles. This morning after taking Candace to school, the boys and I went to the doctor for Bubba. We were goofing around, singing along with the radio and all of a sudden Carter is screaming. Why? Because Bubba squeezed his orange into his little brothers EYE. Holy moly I was mad in less than a second. And then after yelling at him for a minute I just cried and cried and cried. And my thoughts led me to this: I really hate autism sometimes. On his quirky days its not so bad, even when he is yelling and screaming and hitting himself I don't like it and it makes me sad. But on the days he is just a completely huge terd it makes me so mad. A little bit of my anger is at him, but most of it is at autism and myself. And then I start feeling guilty. Its not his fault. Deep down I know its also not mine but...
What if I had caught it sooner?
What if I realized how far behind he really was?
What if he hadn't fallen off the bed 4 times as a baby/toddler?
What if I had done MORE?
And then, what if this is my fault?
This last week Carter has been getting into everything and his vocabulary is just exploding. He is talking and repeating everything. Yes, its a little jumbled because he is two, but Camden didn't do that. I've always called Camden my sweet boy. When he was little I would hold him and put his arms around me, so that he would be hugging me. My mom made fun of that, but I thought it was great. And now looking back, also smart. He and I have a saying we do before bed or if I am leaving him somewhere- Me-"I love you", Bubs- "love you", Me- "Allways", Bubs- "Allways", both of us- "and", Bubs- "FOREVVVVEEEERRRR", me- "yesss." I am also glad that I taught him this and ingrained it into his brain. Because if I hadn't, I'm sure he would still tell me he loved me, but it may not be like this. I don't have any cute sayings with my other two children. I think its very funny the way life works. When we found out that we were having a boy I was so so sad. I had a 5 year old girl, I didn't know what to do with a boy. And then I heard a song that made me okay with having a boy. "He's my son" by Mark Schultz. It really gave me a peace,I was okay with having a boy and I knew I could do it. I told my mom and she was shocked I liked the song because it was so sad and the singer wrote it about his friends son who had leukemia. And she's right, it is sad, but for some strange reason I was just comforted by it. I think now, its quite perfect and maybe God was just getting me ready for my sweet little boy that I love more than life. Lyrics...
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
CHORUS
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
I'm so glad to be Bubba's mommy. Even when he is driving me crazy. I can handle autism, it sure ain't gonna handle me!! Ahh, I feel so much better now. Especially since both of my boys are snuggled up next to me watching a movie :)
What if I had caught it sooner?
What if I realized how far behind he really was?
What if he hadn't fallen off the bed 4 times as a baby/toddler?
What if I had done MORE?
And then, what if this is my fault?
This last week Carter has been getting into everything and his vocabulary is just exploding. He is talking and repeating everything. Yes, its a little jumbled because he is two, but Camden didn't do that. I've always called Camden my sweet boy. When he was little I would hold him and put his arms around me, so that he would be hugging me. My mom made fun of that, but I thought it was great. And now looking back, also smart. He and I have a saying we do before bed or if I am leaving him somewhere- Me-"I love you", Bubs- "love you", Me- "Allways", Bubs- "Allways", both of us- "and", Bubs- "FOREVVVVEEEERRRR", me- "yesss." I am also glad that I taught him this and ingrained it into his brain. Because if I hadn't, I'm sure he would still tell me he loved me, but it may not be like this. I don't have any cute sayings with my other two children. I think its very funny the way life works. When we found out that we were having a boy I was so so sad. I had a 5 year old girl, I didn't know what to do with a boy. And then I heard a song that made me okay with having a boy. "He's my son" by Mark Schultz. It really gave me a peace,I was okay with having a boy and I knew I could do it. I told my mom and she was shocked I liked the song because it was so sad and the singer wrote it about his friends son who had leukemia. And she's right, it is sad, but for some strange reason I was just comforted by it. I think now, its quite perfect and maybe God was just getting me ready for my sweet little boy that I love more than life. Lyrics...
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
CHORUS
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Heavy heavy heavy...
Yup. That's how my shoulders feel today. Tuesday I got a call from my doctor after having a biopsy done to see whats wrong with me down there and turns out I have "Lichen Sclerosis". The skin is thin and rips easily from wiping, and *ahem* activity. Oh, and it hurts/itches/burns like crazy. Its been really bad for the last 6 months or so, but its been like this for quite a while looking back, at least 7 years. What my nurse said was "you have lichen sclerosis (i thought she said vican scholiosis at first, lol). We tested it for cancer and it is benign right now. We're gonna have you use a cream every day for 4 weeks, then every other day for 4 weeks, then once a week from now until FOREVER (that's right, this crap doesn't ever go away). We'll have you come back in 3 months to check you and then 6 months to check you and test for cancer." Pretty awesome huh??? So, I googled it because she didn't tell me exactly what it was. Oh my gosh. I started bawling. This cream should help with the itch and burn but it won't ever go away completely, there isn't a cure. And in some of the women, it can get so bad that their vagina fuses together with their clitoris, which means no sex. Which means a very grumpy husband. And a strained relationship. That scares me. I know my husband loves me, he tells me all the time. But his reaction when he got home from work showed me he loves me... I asked him if he still loved me with my defective vagina and he pulled me into a big hug and told me "in sickness and in health, right?" Awww. I really started bawling then. And I told him I was sorry for having this and he laughed at me and told me it wasn't my fault, And I know that, but its nice to hear. Its kind of hard to find out you have some crazy cooch disease that's gonna be there for the rest of my life. Good thing we are done having babies already, huh. Although, I'm not sure how that affects that. Anyway...
My point was I have a wall hanging in my kitchen that says "God doesn't give you what you can handle, God helps you handle what you are given". I bought this when we started out on our autism journey with our Bubs. Its so true. I was just telling my mother in law about the bible verse that says God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and how I am glad he thinks I am strong enough to handle everything on my plate but that my plate is full. Well, now I guess since I'd gotten through my sons latest IEP meeting and was not stressed for 2 weeks, there was room for more, LOL. I know that it is God who makes me strong, and I can handle this. But for now, I'm still sad and scared but I know that God will be along for the ride with me.
My point was I have a wall hanging in my kitchen that says "God doesn't give you what you can handle, God helps you handle what you are given". I bought this when we started out on our autism journey with our Bubs. Its so true. I was just telling my mother in law about the bible verse that says God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and how I am glad he thinks I am strong enough to handle everything on my plate but that my plate is full. Well, now I guess since I'd gotten through my sons latest IEP meeting and was not stressed for 2 weeks, there was room for more, LOL. I know that it is God who makes me strong, and I can handle this. But for now, I'm still sad and scared but I know that God will be along for the ride with me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Getting started
Well, today was Candace's second to last session for counseling. She has adhd and its good for her to talk to someone other than me about some of her issues. And sometimes I get to sit in on the sessions, today was one of those days. I grew up with my mom, dad and brother. Based on my childhood I learned ways to parent and some ways that I didn't want to parent my children. Well, I've noticed some of the bad traits creeping up on me. I don't like it at all. I remember how it felt to feel very unloved at home. And now my daughter feels that way. It breaks my heart because I do love her but I don't show it the way I ought to. The way she needs me to. The way I wanted it shown to me. How to break the cycle... easy right- just start showing more affection! Well, duh. But its a little more complicated than that isn't it?? Maybe not. Maybe thats what being a parent is all about. Maybe I need to just get over myself and do for Candace what wasn't done for me. And thats to just sit and snuggle on the couch, not tease her or call her a blonde, to listen when she wants to talk and to make her talk when she doesn't want to but obviously needs to.
I'm gonna miss Molly and so is Candace but she has given us such a gift- tools for us to work on our relationship and the realization that we can start over and we don't have to be me and my mom. We can be Megan and Candace. Which I think is going to be just great.
I'm gonna miss Molly and so is Candace but she has given us such a gift- tools for us to work on our relationship and the realization that we can start over and we don't have to be me and my mom. We can be Megan and Candace. Which I think is going to be just great.
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